a fragile heart
a broken heart
scattered in pieces
waiting to be mended
but can it?
numerous trials done
with failure as the outcome
yet with hope and perseverance
a mended heart will be presented
Christmas Season
It's the month of December.
A month filled with love.
Somehow...
I'd like to do something different this Christmas season...
Not sure what..
But definitely something...
A month filled with love.
Somehow...
I'd like to do something different this Christmas season...
Not sure what..
But definitely something...
Labels:
Christmas
Can I ask for...?
I can't say that I'm very proud of myself at the moment.
I've not been able to accomplish my October tasks.
Everything just seems to be postponed and work just builds up.
Sometimes I wonder...
What am I doing here in UPM?
God has opened the door for me to further study...
He even opened the door for me to gain the experience of being a project manager...
What more can I ask?
Can I ask formore strength?
Can I ask formore patience?
Can I ask formore wisdom?
Can I ask formore discipline?
Can I ask formore concentration?
Can I ask formore passion?
More importantly...can I ask formore LOVE??
Although it's been a week away from the office...
I feel even more moodless...
Someone once told me...
Though you find it meaningless...
You put meaning to the meaningless...
Then the meaningless would become meaningful...
Sounds profound that I find it difficult to find that meaning...
So, in short, it's been MOODLESS......
I've not been able to accomplish my October tasks.
Everything just seems to be postponed and work just builds up.
Sometimes I wonder...
What am I doing here in UPM?
God has opened the door for me to further study...
He even opened the door for me to gain the experience of being a project manager...
What more can I ask?
Can I ask for
Can I ask for
Can I ask for
Can I ask for
Can I ask for
Can I ask for
More importantly...can I ask for
Although it's been a week away from the office...
I feel even more moodless...
Someone once told me...
Though you find it meaningless...
You put meaning to the meaningless...
Then the meaningless would become meaningful...
Sounds profound that I find it difficult to find that meaning...
So, in short, it's been MOODLESS......
At the Verge of IT
I'm totally at the verge of IT!!
What IT?? you ask?
At the verge of...
--> breaking down
--> being depressed
--> giving up my study career
--> quitting my job
--> losing control of myself
It's been aTOUGH TERRIBLE SUCKY...no words to describe day.
It's been a discouraging day.
It's been a disappointing day.
It's been an upsetting day.
It's been down in the valley...
Yet, wanting to be at the top...
To cry and scream my heart out...
Till my heart harden...
I seriously ponder...
What am I doing here?
Where am I exactly headed with this path that I've chosen?
Will I be regretting at the end of this journey?
Or am I going to be...
...proud of myself?
...tough?
...smarter?
...a better person?
I can only ponder...
And continue to pray for...
...strength.
...patience.
...endurance.
...and most of all...LOVE.
What IT?? you ask?
At the verge of...
--> breaking down
--> being depressed
--> giving up my study career
--> quitting my job
--> losing control of myself
It's been a
It's been a discouraging day.
It's been a disappointing day.
It's been an upsetting day.
It's been down in the valley...
Yet, wanting to be at the top...
To cry and scream my heart out...
Till my heart harden...
I seriously ponder...
What am I doing here?
Where am I exactly headed with this path that I've chosen?
Will I be regretting at the end of this journey?
Or am I going to be...
...proud of myself?
...tough?
...smarter?
...a better person?
I can only ponder...
And continue to pray for...
...strength.
...patience.
...endurance.
...and most of all...LOVE.
Updates on Oct 2010 Tasks
2 down..6 left
Oct 2010 Task 1: Complete my research proposal by next week because my committee meeting is on the 25th. So not looking forward but at the same time so can't wait for it.
Oct 2010 Task 2: FEM 5202 assignment on depression scale available. To be presented on the 21st and to submit a written assignment.
Oct 2010 Task 3: To polish up on my poster for a conference in Sabah. In other words, I'm going to sit on an airplane for the first time in my life on the 27th. Will be in Sabah from 27-29th.
Oct 2010 Task 4: Complete Chapter 1 of the project report writing, which is the lit review section. Thank God it's just a brief report.
Oct 2010 Task 5: To start on Chapter 3 of the project report writing, which is the result section. A massive procedure to run the analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 6: To complete an article for my ex-supervisor who is paying me to do it. It's related to delinquent behavior and I'm having a tough time understanding her analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 7: Complete my unfinished article on Rosenberg Self-esteem scale and published it by next month as a fulfillment to graduate with a Master.
Oct 2010 Task 8: To write up an article in preparation for Seminar Hasil Penyelidikan FEM 2010 for the project. Will be working together with my 2 colleagues.
Oct 2010 Task 1: Complete my research proposal by next week because my committee meeting is on the 25th. So not looking forward but at the same time so can't wait for it.
Oct 2010 Task 4: Complete Chapter 1 of the project report writing, which is the lit review section. Thank God it's just a brief report.
Oct 2010 Task 5: To start on Chapter 3 of the project report writing, which is the result section. A massive procedure to run the analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 6: To complete an article for my ex-supervisor who is paying me to do it. It's related to delinquent behavior and I'm having a tough time understanding her analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 7: Complete my unfinished article on Rosenberg Self-esteem scale and published it by next month as a fulfillment to graduate with a Master.
Oct 2010 Task 8: To write up an article in preparation for Seminar Hasil Penyelidikan FEM 2010 for the project. Will be working together with my 2 colleagues.
October - Dec 2010 Tasks
As requested by my dearest and darling Jack.... >.< What I've been up to lately?? LOTS!! Too many to spell out any of it. Besides, it's best to look at the present and hope for the future right? Not to look at the past. So, here's the present and future...
Oct 2010 Task 1: Complete my research proposal by next week because my committee meeting is on the 25th. So not looking forward but at the same time so can't wait for it.
Oct 2010 Task 2: FEM 5202 assignment on depression scale available. To be presented on the 21st and to submit a written assignment.
Oct 2010 Task 3: To polish up on my poster for a conference in Sabah. In other words, I'm going to sit on an airplane for the first time in my life on the 27th. Will be in Sabah from 27-29th.
Oct 2010 Task 4: Complete Chapter 1 of the project report writing, which is the lit review section. Thank God it's just a brief report.
Oct 2010 Task 5: To start on Chapter 3 of the project report writing, which is the result section. A massive procedure to run the analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 6: To complete an article for my ex-supervisor who is paying me to do it. It's related to delinquent behavior and I'm having a tough time understanding her analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 7: Complete my unfinished article on Rosenberg Self-esteem scale and published it by next month as a fulfillment to graduate with a Master.
Oct 2010 Task 8: To write up an article in preparation for Seminar Hasil Penyelidikan FEM 2010 for the project. Will be working together with my 2 colleagues.
Nov 2010 Task 1: Scan documents for my 'beloved' prof for her KM portal.
Nov 2010 Task 2: Sit for my Seminar paper, another requirement to graduate. What I have to do is to present part of my thesis and prof will be evaluating me, whether a 'M' (memuaskan) or 'TM' (tidak memuaskan).
Nov 2010 Task 3: Seminar Hasil Penyelidikan FEM 2010 presentation preparation.
Dec 2010 Task 1: To begin Chapter 4 of project report writing, which is the discussion part since prof is aiming to have the first draft by end of the year. Totally rushing since the project ends in August 2011.
Dec 2010 Task 2: To take a long break from work and focus on thesis writing. I MUST submit my thesis next sem so that I can be in time to have my convo next year.
Oct 2010 Task 1: Complete my research proposal by next week because my committee meeting is on the 25th. So not looking forward but at the same time so can't wait for it.
Oct 2010 Task 2: FEM 5202 assignment on depression scale available. To be presented on the 21st and to submit a written assignment.
Oct 2010 Task 3: To polish up on my poster for a conference in Sabah. In other words, I'm going to sit on an airplane for the first time in my life on the 27th. Will be in Sabah from 27-29th.
Oct 2010 Task 4: Complete Chapter 1 of the project report writing, which is the lit review section. Thank God it's just a brief report.
Oct 2010 Task 5: To start on Chapter 3 of the project report writing, which is the result section. A massive procedure to run the analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 6: To complete an article for my ex-supervisor who is paying me to do it. It's related to delinquent behavior and I'm having a tough time understanding her analysis.
Oct 2010 Task 7: Complete my unfinished article on Rosenberg Self-esteem scale and published it by next month as a fulfillment to graduate with a Master.
Oct 2010 Task 8: To write up an article in preparation for Seminar Hasil Penyelidikan FEM 2010 for the project. Will be working together with my 2 colleagues.
Nov 2010 Task 1: Scan documents for my 'beloved' prof for her KM portal.
Nov 2010 Task 2: Sit for my Seminar paper, another requirement to graduate. What I have to do is to present part of my thesis and prof will be evaluating me, whether a 'M' (memuaskan) or 'TM' (tidak memuaskan).
Nov 2010 Task 3: Seminar Hasil Penyelidikan FEM 2010 presentation preparation.
Dec 2010 Task 1: To begin Chapter 4 of project report writing, which is the discussion part since prof is aiming to have the first draft by end of the year. Totally rushing since the project ends in August 2011.
Dec 2010 Task 2: To take a long break from work and focus on thesis writing. I MUST submit my thesis next sem so that I can be in time to have my convo next year.
One day more
One day more..
To the day the number changes to 24...
The one and only thing I want..
Is to be filled with love till it overflows..
To the day the number changes to 24...
The one and only thing I want..
Is to be filled with love till it overflows..
Over the Limit
Please be aware that this post highly contain vulgar words that may cause uneasiness and discomfort to the reader! If you are under 13, this post is rated as PG13.
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She is too MUCH!!! I honestly can't take it any more. I admit that I may be at fault or I may be irrational. But all that has happened this week, it's more than I can bear.
Monday --> I was supposed to be working away from office as I had to send my mum to some place in PJ. I did mention that I'd be working. It's NOT an off day. That morning, she just have to send an email about leave record. Here's what she wrote in her so sucky and terrible English:
Attached is please find a leave record that we need to have since before. As understood 'working from home' or 'away from office' is a concept related to work and is an arrangement that I would issue personally, not based on request. We have inserted this in our 2010 schedule. Nonetheless, it looks like it happens only when I am away, I like to mention here that I may consider it other times as I see fit. Other than this, we will consider it as an official leave. So far, I have no record on leave, thus I have attached one here. Lets recalled how many days we have got left from January 2010, please forward this info back to me. Tqvm.
Right after I sent my mum, I went straight to office and it didn't even occur to her that I actually said I'd be working away from office.
Tuesday --> Nothing much happened. Thank God for that.
Wednesday --> The WORST and most GERAM working day ever. I had a terrible flu that day and wasn't feeling well at all. My colleagues kept asking me to see the doctor and get an MC. But it is my nature not to see the doctor unless it got worst and ongoing for not a reasonable time. At the same time, I can't be taking off as I can sense that she is not happy with me after Monday's incident. In the afternoon, I was wearing two thick jackets and still felt really cold. I knew that was it. So, I SMSed her. This was what the conversation:
Prof, can I take half day off today please. Will add on to the leave record.
Why?
Not feeling well.
Since she did not say yes or no, I waited till she reply..waited and waited...around 3ish, I saw her came online. I did not want to ask her again. So, I waited....till it was 5pm. As I walked pass her room, she was outside. And all she could tell me was...
Jun, tadi I was driving...so, didnt answer....
What the heck???? You came back to the office. You could have called the office or reply my sms right? I was totally suffering from the high temperature in the office, waiting for your reply out of respect...and you just totally ignore me. When she said those words, I really felt betrayed. Not even reaching the main office to punch out, tears were already welling up my eyes. Got in the car..and that's it...burst into tears...feeling so betrayed, so angry, so disappointed...so numb...What the heck of a person are you???
Thursday --> Today, I found out one enumerator whom we have not paid yet needed cash to pay school fee which will be due tomorrow and another enumerator who needed cash too. In my bank, it's just 2 digits now. Have already taken out almost RM 5k+ to pay other enumerators who needed cash. If I still had cash in the bank, I'd taken out for them. But I don't. So, fine...I wanted to ask her to transfer some cash to me first till we can finally get the payment, but I had class. So, my colleague went to ask her. And you know what she replied? It went something like this (directly typed out by that colleague):
wyChiah© says:
oo.
ard 3+ i go to her room let her sign the notice,
then i said, prof can u transfer 3000 to jun,
she wanted to ask u but she has class to attend
is for the enumerator
bcoz the enumerator wan to pay his tuition fee..
...
then prof show this face
"u mean me? transfer to jun?"
i said: yes
then she said: hmm chiah this month tak boleh
quite tight..
bcoz dah bayar sheereen rental in australia rm5000
plus the australi trip spent a lot
...
then i was quite shock.. so i said: hmm then tak pe la, kami tengok nak pinjam dgn orang lain..
she ask: pinjam dgn siapa?
i said: tak tau la, tengok la, bilik ra mana ada org kaya, pinjam la..
... ...
The End~
What the heck!!! When I heard that, I was like...not surprising at all. Kinda expected that she'd say 'tak ada duit'. Thanks to my colleagues, they'll be forking out their money to pay those two enumerators first.
I'm tired..really tired..when I felt like giving up yesterday, my daily reading bible verse mentioned bout love and faithfulness. To stay loyal even when we don't feel like it. That's what kept me from going into her office today and giving her my resignation letter.
I just pray that I'll be able to survive this.
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She is too MUCH!!! I honestly can't take it any more. I admit that I may be at fault or I may be irrational. But all that has happened this week, it's more than I can bear.
Monday --> I was supposed to be working away from office as I had to send my mum to some place in PJ. I did mention that I'd be working. It's NOT an off day. That morning, she just have to send an email about leave record. Here's what she wrote in her so sucky and terrible English:
Attached is please find a leave record that we need to have since before. As understood 'working from home' or 'away from office' is a concept related to work and is an arrangement that I would issue personally, not based on request. We have inserted this in our 2010 schedule. Nonetheless, it looks like it happens only when I am away, I like to mention here that I may consider it other times as I see fit. Other than this, we will consider it as an official leave. So far, I have no record on leave, thus I have attached one here. Lets recalled how many days we have got left from January 2010, please forward this info back to me. Tqvm.
Right after I sent my mum, I went straight to office and it didn't even occur to her that I actually said I'd be working away from office.
Tuesday --> Nothing much happened. Thank God for that.
Wednesday --> The WORST and most GERAM working day ever. I had a terrible flu that day and wasn't feeling well at all. My colleagues kept asking me to see the doctor and get an MC. But it is my nature not to see the doctor unless it got worst and ongoing for not a reasonable time. At the same time, I can't be taking off as I can sense that she is not happy with me after Monday's incident. In the afternoon, I was wearing two thick jackets and still felt really cold. I knew that was it. So, I SMSed her. This was what the conversation:
Prof, can I take half day off today please. Will add on to the leave record.
Why?
Not feeling well.
Since she did not say yes or no, I waited till she reply..waited and waited...around 3ish, I saw her came online. I did not want to ask her again. So, I waited....till it was 5pm. As I walked pass her room, she was outside. And all she could tell me was...
Jun, tadi I was driving...so, didnt answer....
What the heck???? You came back to the office. You could have called the office or reply my sms right? I was totally suffering from the high temperature in the office, waiting for your reply out of respect...and you just totally ignore me. When she said those words, I really felt betrayed. Not even reaching the main office to punch out, tears were already welling up my eyes. Got in the car..and that's it...burst into tears...feeling so betrayed, so angry, so disappointed...so numb...What the heck of a person are you???
Thursday --> Today, I found out one enumerator whom we have not paid yet needed cash to pay school fee which will be due tomorrow and another enumerator who needed cash too. In my bank, it's just 2 digits now. Have already taken out almost RM 5k+ to pay other enumerators who needed cash. If I still had cash in the bank, I'd taken out for them. But I don't. So, fine...I wanted to ask her to transfer some cash to me first till we can finally get the payment, but I had class. So, my colleague went to ask her. And you know what she replied? It went something like this (directly typed out by that colleague):
wyChiah© says:
oo.
ard 3+ i go to her room let her sign the notice,
then i said, prof can u transfer 3000 to jun,
she wanted to ask u but she has class to attend
is for the enumerator
bcoz the enumerator wan to pay his tuition fee..
...
then prof show this face
"u mean me? transfer to jun?"
i said: yes
then she said: hmm chiah this month tak boleh
quite tight..
bcoz dah bayar sheereen rental in australia rm5000
plus the australi trip spent a lot
...
then i was quite shock.. so i said: hmm then tak pe la, kami tengok nak pinjam dgn orang lain..
she ask: pinjam dgn siapa?
i said: tak tau la, tengok la, bilik ra mana ada org kaya, pinjam la..
... ...
The End~
What the heck!!! When I heard that, I was like...not surprising at all. Kinda expected that she'd say 'tak ada duit'. Thanks to my colleagues, they'll be forking out their money to pay those two enumerators first.
I'm tired..really tired..when I felt like giving up yesterday, my daily reading bible verse mentioned bout love and faithfulness. To stay loyal even when we don't feel like it. That's what kept me from going into her office today and giving her my resignation letter.
I just pray that I'll be able to survive this.
What an Interesting Friend
"What an interesting friend you have there."
That was a comment I received from a friend when I told him why I was hurt.
It really didn't cross my mind that A could have felt that way. After these few months of spending time with each other, A thinks that I have no heart. Simply just because I chose my family over friends on this one incident. Even with that choice, I tried to integrate both so that I don't have to choose. Yet, A still thinks that I have no heart.
Really disappointed more than hurt I guess.
Thank God I still have my best friend in Australia and my close friends around me that supports and understands me.
That was a comment I received from a friend when I told him why I was hurt.
It really didn't cross my mind that A could have felt that way. After these few months of spending time with each other, A thinks that I have no heart. Simply just because I chose my family over friends on this one incident. Even with that choice, I tried to integrate both so that I don't have to choose. Yet, A still thinks that I have no heart.
Really disappointed more than hurt I guess.
Thank God I still have my best friend in Australia and my close friends around me that supports and understands me.
Labels:
Disappointment
FAILED!!
Not exactly failed..but no results at all. She just said it is out..the suggestion, Others have appealed before..but they failed.
Haiz...whatever it is...
Today marks my first day in my 2nd and hopefully final year in masters. Been busy in the office today with all the admin work to catch up.
Anyway, I honestly need to deal with my hatred towards my boss. Sad to say the 'h' word..but it really has gone go to that level.
Haiz...whatever it is...
Today marks my first day in my 2nd and hopefully final year in masters. Been busy in the office today with all the admin work to catch up.
Anyway, I honestly need to deal with my hatred towards my boss. Sad to say the 'h' word..but it really has gone go to that level.
End of One Week Break
It's the end of my one week break from the office and tomorrow it's back to work reality with its ugly environment.
I'm really grateful for the week break. I did manage to complete almost 2 chapters of the article with about 7 to 8 pages. Didn't manage to edit the other one.
Yet, as I step into the office tomorrow, and having to face the boss, I'm up for a challenge. Hope when the time comes, I've got the guts to stand up and tell her that I will not be doing any more fake or twisted documents. If she wants, she can fire me. Am prepared for that consequence even though I might have to start from scratch for my thesis.
However, I do have a suggestion for her. Though she has tried to appeal right at the top management, I don't think she's doing it the right way by calling. I think the best is just to write an appeal letter as it is black and white to claim the money from the project as it should be legally done. At least it is the right way. I don't care about being effective anymore. But more importantly is being efficient. Effective is getting to the aim regardless of the process. Efficient is still getting to the aim but with regards to the right process.
She can say whatever she wants bout me. She can bad mouth me, she can talk behind my back, what ever it is...I'm not going to do something that is way beyond my standards in life.
Whatever happens, I leave it to my loving Daddy as I want to what is pleasing to Him. Not just for the sake of feeling peaceful about it. Really hope I'll have the guts to stand up. =)
I'm really grateful for the week break. I did manage to complete almost 2 chapters of the article with about 7 to 8 pages. Didn't manage to edit the other one.
Yet, as I step into the office tomorrow, and having to face the boss, I'm up for a challenge. Hope when the time comes, I've got the guts to stand up and tell her that I will not be doing any more fake or twisted documents. If she wants, she can fire me. Am prepared for that consequence even though I might have to start from scratch for my thesis.
However, I do have a suggestion for her. Though she has tried to appeal right at the top management, I don't think she's doing it the right way by calling. I think the best is just to write an appeal letter as it is black and white to claim the money from the project as it should be legally done. At least it is the right way. I don't care about being effective anymore. But more importantly is being efficient. Effective is getting to the aim regardless of the process. Efficient is still getting to the aim but with regards to the right process.
She can say whatever she wants bout me. She can bad mouth me, she can talk behind my back, what ever it is...I'm not going to do something that is way beyond my standards in life.
Whatever happens, I leave it to my loving Daddy as I want to what is pleasing to Him. Not just for the sake of feeling peaceful about it. Really hope I'll have the guts to stand up. =)
Paid Yet Not Earning
I simply LOVE HATE my job. I still do love doing research..yet, the responsibility as a research assistant in UPM...SUCKS.
Why does it sucks?
Simple.
Unethical people who goes around twisting documents, twisting the procedures, twisting the black and white. In other words, government people in the education institution is super...unethical.
They get a big amount of money. They use it for unnecessary stuff. Although the purpose may be for the project, yet they twist and fake documents just to claim it illegally. According to the top people in my faculty, it's a common practice to take out extra and save it for a rainy day although it's not in the budget.
I have to admit that I have twisted a receipt and recently twisted some documents. But the consequence of it...I feel totally uncomfortable and totally not peaceful. Till today, that twisted behavior of mine is still fresh in my memory.
Now, I'mtold ordered to do fake documents..not twist..but totally fake documents to claim almost RM 10k. I have told her that I feel uncomfortable doing it. Yet, she pushes me to do it. She even called a few top people to ask for ways to claim it, and the answer they give..SHOCKING!!
Haiz..what kind of people are they? Is this happening everywhere in the working world? So corrupted and unethical? If they are not aware of it, then probably can be excused. But this is so direct and they are totally aware of it, yet..they still do it.
I wish I had made a stand the first time. Now, if I were to make that stand, I've no idea what the consequences will be. What a situation to be in.
Oh yeah..related to the title. I am paid RM 1500 a month. Yet, I'm broke. Thanks to the project that is owing me a lot of money now.
Why does it sucks?
Simple.
Unethical people who goes around twisting documents, twisting the procedures, twisting the black and white. In other words, government people in the education institution is super...unethical.
They get a big amount of money. They use it for unnecessary stuff. Although the purpose may be for the project, yet they twist and fake documents just to claim it illegally. According to the top people in my faculty, it's a common practice to take out extra and save it for a rainy day although it's not in the budget.
I have to admit that I have twisted a receipt and recently twisted some documents. But the consequence of it...I feel totally uncomfortable and totally not peaceful. Till today, that twisted behavior of mine is still fresh in my memory.
Now, I'm
Haiz..what kind of people are they? Is this happening everywhere in the working world? So corrupted and unethical? If they are not aware of it, then probably can be excused. But this is so direct and they are totally aware of it, yet..they still do it.
I wish I had made a stand the first time. Now, if I were to make that stand, I've no idea what the consequences will be. What a situation to be in.
Oh yeah..related to the title. I am paid RM 1500 a month. Yet, I'm broke. Thanks to the project that is owing me a lot of money now.
Hometown
I'm back in Malacca for a week. So relieved for not having to be in the office. Office environment can be very pressurizing and torturing.
Anyway, although I'm back, there's still tasks to be done.
1. Completing a SEM article within a week for publication.
2. Editing a previous article that has been peer reviewed.
These 2 tasks is enough to fill up my week. Lots of reading to catch up. Lots of terms that I need to add in to my vocabulary.
However, all in all, I'm really happy to be back in Malacca, back to my comfort zone, back to my sweetie's side, back to my parents care.
Anyway, although I'm back, there's still tasks to be done.
1. Completing a SEM article within a week for publication.
2. Editing a previous article that has been peer reviewed.
These 2 tasks is enough to fill up my week. Lots of reading to catch up. Lots of terms that I need to add in to my vocabulary.
However, all in all, I'm really happy to be back in Malacca, back to my comfort zone, back to my sweetie's side, back to my parents care.
Labels:
Hometown
Troubled
Truly troubled with the work load and the work responsibility bestowed upon me.
What a dilemma to be in when you know what you stand up for yet falling into the trap.
No light seen at the end of the tunnel yet.
No way out of this maze / trap with the perspective I now have.
What a situation / scenario to be in when you start thinking that you finally got it.
What a trouble to be into...
What a dilemma to be in when you know what you stand up for yet falling into the trap.
No light seen at the end of the tunnel yet.
No way out of this maze / trap with the perspective I now have.
What a situation / scenario to be in when you start thinking that you finally got it.
What a trouble to be into...
Am I That Silly?
Am I that silly to work as a research assistant for Prof?
Am I that silly to take all the workload and just earn RM ****?
Am I that silly to have to take responsibility of her personal responsibility?
Am I that silly to put up with her nonsensical conversation?
Am I that silly to put on a face that I don't even know myself?
Am I that silly to allow her to put so high expectations?
Am I that silly to go against my standards in life and live not in peace?
Am I that silly to give up my time just for her?
Am I that silly to wast my effort and energy in doing something that does not interest me?
AM I REALLY THAT SILLY??
Am I that silly to take all the workload and just earn RM ****?
Am I that silly to have to take responsibility of her personal responsibility?
Am I that silly to put up with her nonsensical conversation?
Am I that silly to put on a face that I don't even know myself?
Am I that silly to allow her to put so high expectations?
Am I that silly to go against my standards in life and live not in peace?
Am I that silly to give up my time just for her?
Am I that silly to wast my effort and energy in doing something that does not interest me?
AM I REALLY THAT SILLY??
Job Changes Things
Having a job really changes a lot of things in ones life. It may be for the better, in terms of financial, but it may also be for the worst, in terms of lack of time to spend with your loved ones.
I simply wish that everyone in the world would just work 5 days a week and 8 hours a day and that's it. No overtime, no weekend jobs...what so ever.
Being a workaholic is terrible. But...I wish I was one at this moment.
I simply wish that everyone in the world would just work 5 days a week and 8 hours a day and that's it. No overtime, no weekend jobs...what so ever.
Being a workaholic is terrible. But...I wish I was one at this moment.
Someone's Watching Over Me
Love this song so much at this moment..really meaningful when one feels lonely or unloved.
The best thing about this song is that it reminds me of how God is watching over me in every circumstances. He's always protecting me from harm. Though at times when I breakdown real hard, He's always there with open arms waiting for me to run into His arms.
No matter how bad experiences are, no matter how alone I am, no matter what comes my way...Someone's watching over me...from above.
So, have fun listening to this song as it speaks to you. =)
The best thing about this song is that it reminds me of how God is watching over me in every circumstances. He's always protecting me from harm. Though at times when I breakdown real hard, He's always there with open arms waiting for me to run into His arms.
No matter how bad experiences are, no matter how alone I am, no matter what comes my way...Someone's watching over me...from above.
So, have fun listening to this song as it speaks to you. =)
----------------------
Found myself today
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me
Oh I found myself and ran away
Something pulled me back
The voice of reason I forgot I had
All I know is you're not here to say
What you always used to say
But it's written in the sky tonight
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
Seen that ray of light
And it's shining on my destiny
Shining all the time
And I wont be afraid
To follow everywhere it's taking me
All I know is yesterday is gone
And right now I belong
To this moment to my dreams
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me
It doesn't matter what people say
And it doesn't matter how long it takes
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
And it only matters how true you are
Be true to yourself and follow your heart
So I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even if it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That I won't give up
No I won't break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
That someone's watching over
Someone's watching over
Someone's watching over me
Someone's watching over me
June is here
Yahoo....May is gone and June is here.
It's been...
...2 years since sweetie and I got together.
...2 semesters in my Master program.
...11 months staying in Desaminium.
...9 months since I worked as a research assistant.
Another...
...1 month more and I'll be shifting out.
...2 semesters and I'm out of UPM.
...2 semesters and I'm done with research assistant work at FEM.
Life has been really up and down in May. Work pressure mainly. Not a topic I want to talk about. But in short, data collection is FINITO! Now, it's analyzing and writing time. Hope to finish within the time frame...another 2 semesters till the mid of next year.
But on the up side, I'm so uplifted to be in Ipoh last weekend. It was such a relief to be off from work without any worries. Though my trip to Ipoh was supposed to be busy, it was quite relaxing.
Well, I got to get back to work...again...
It's been...
...2 years since sweetie and I got together.
...2 semesters in my Master program.
...11 months staying in Desaminium.
...9 months since I worked as a research assistant.
Another...
...1 month more and I'll be shifting out.
...2 semesters and I'm out of UPM.
...2 semesters and I'm done with research assistant work at FEM.
Life has been really up and down in May. Work pressure mainly. Not a topic I want to talk about. But in short, data collection is FINITO! Now, it's analyzing and writing time. Hope to finish within the time frame...another 2 semesters till the mid of next year.
But on the up side, I'm so uplifted to be in Ipoh last weekend. It was such a relief to be off from work without any worries. Though my trip to Ipoh was supposed to be busy, it was quite relaxing.
Well, I got to get back to work...again...
Month of May
It's the month of May...and in a blink of an eye..it's almost half a year.
Any accoplishments? Can't think of any related to my personal life..yet, for the project, it's half completed. Glad to say that data collection has finally finished officially as of today being the last day for all 73 schools. Got to say that I'm proud and at the same time..not proud. An irony isnt it?
Anyway, personal life now..it's filled with choices once again. Two main issues to decide. One has been made..and the other..still trying to decide. A tough one that is. Related to my future and my loved ones.
In a situation I'm in right now..I wish that the world around me would just disappear..leaving me alone in my own world of dreams and fantasy. The reality hurts deep and sometimes..I just dont want to wake up from my dream. I dont want the dream to fade away. I like living in the dream. Is there any way of making a dream come true?
Being a Christian is so tough. I know that one missing ingredient that is making it tough. I just want to be myself and live in a world of my dreams. But that will not happen. It really hurts to even think that you're going to lose some one. DABDA not only applies for grieving..but even the pre-grieving period. It sucks.
As you can read..I'm a little not right with my flow of words. Just typing bits and pieces of my thoughts. That's because I've been thinking too much..more than what is needed. Yet, the one important thing that is needed to be done..which is ACTION...is not being done. Kinda feel that it is giving up..am I? So not giving up..
Just want to be that unique person whom I am and not be some wannabe and miss proper, miss goody-two-shoes, miss innocent...just want to be..ME.
Any accoplishments? Can't think of any related to my personal life..yet, for the project, it's half completed. Glad to say that data collection has finally finished officially as of today being the last day for all 73 schools. Got to say that I'm proud and at the same time..not proud. An irony isnt it?
Anyway, personal life now..it's filled with choices once again. Two main issues to decide. One has been made..and the other..still trying to decide. A tough one that is. Related to my future and my loved ones.
In a situation I'm in right now..I wish that the world around me would just disappear..leaving me alone in my own world of dreams and fantasy. The reality hurts deep and sometimes..I just dont want to wake up from my dream. I dont want the dream to fade away. I like living in the dream. Is there any way of making a dream come true?
Being a Christian is so tough. I know that one missing ingredient that is making it tough. I just want to be myself and live in a world of my dreams. But that will not happen. It really hurts to even think that you're going to lose some one. DABDA not only applies for grieving..but even the pre-grieving period. It sucks.
As you can read..I'm a little not right with my flow of words. Just typing bits and pieces of my thoughts. That's because I've been thinking too much..more than what is needed. Yet, the one important thing that is needed to be done..which is ACTION...is not being done. Kinda feel that it is giving up..am I? So not giving up..
Just want to be that unique person whom I am and not be some wannabe and miss proper, miss goody-two-shoes, miss innocent...just want to be..ME.
It's that time of the cycle again
Yea..it's that time of the cycle again where it's down down down...dragged down with the problems, the mess that I created.
So what if no one is perfect..how do you treat a perfectionist? It's tough being a perfectionist that can do no mistakes. When mistakes are done, it's tough for the perfectionist to accept it.
What the heck?
At this time of the cycle, I simply want to disappear and **** ******. To hide, to run, to escape..you name it. I'm just no good at facing difficulties when there's so much complications in it. Worst when it's added complications.
So what if no one is perfect..how do you treat a perfectionist? It's tough being a perfectionist that can do no mistakes. When mistakes are done, it's tough for the perfectionist to accept it.
What the heck?
At this time of the cycle, I simply want to disappear and **** ******. To hide, to run, to escape..you name it. I'm just no good at facing difficulties when there's so much complications in it. Worst when it's added complications.
Saying Sorry Doesn't Mean Being Sorry
Apologizing for ones' mistake is not easy. Especially when it involves you and someone who is in authority. You need to be humble and forego your ego in doing so.
However, at times, it is so easy to say sorry and not mean it. But it really takes up a lot of courage of saying sorry and meaning it with all your heart.
Saying sorry may heal the external part of the relationship, but it's being sorry and meaning it that heals the heart and bonds the relationship closer.
That's how it is with our relationship with God. Most of the times, we just say that we're sorry for the wrong things that we did without meaning it. When you mean it, it hurts your heart to say that you're sorry. It's human nature to defend ones' ego and to defend themselves even when they are in the wrong. But it's His nature to forego ones' ego and humble themselves to admit that they are wrong.
I'm glad that I mend the relationship between me and Prof. It was tough apologizing for my own mistake. And it definitely took courage in doing so. I just pray that I will learn to apply this lesson in my walk with Him. Not to just say sorry..but to mean it.
Not just by words..but by actions. Just like loving someone..it's not just by words, but by the way you treat the person with respect and love.
However, at times, it is so easy to say sorry and not mean it. But it really takes up a lot of courage of saying sorry and meaning it with all your heart.
Saying sorry may heal the external part of the relationship, but it's being sorry and meaning it that heals the heart and bonds the relationship closer.
That's how it is with our relationship with God. Most of the times, we just say that we're sorry for the wrong things that we did without meaning it. When you mean it, it hurts your heart to say that you're sorry. It's human nature to defend ones' ego and to defend themselves even when they are in the wrong. But it's His nature to forego ones' ego and humble themselves to admit that they are wrong.
I'm glad that I mend the relationship between me and Prof. It was tough apologizing for my own mistake. And it definitely took courage in doing so. I just pray that I will learn to apply this lesson in my walk with Him. Not to just say sorry..but to mean it.
Not just by words..but by actions. Just like loving someone..it's not just by words, but by the way you treat the person with respect and love.
Fax-ing Day
It's FAX-ING day today!!
Been faxing the whole day to schools in Kelantan and Selangor. Been faxing last Friday and the Friday before as well. I realized...I'm definitely good at...FAXING!!
Anyway, March has ended and April is here..the busiest month and stage in the research. Data collection time. Many arrangements to make, phone calls, wrapping..and FAXING!!!
Just some updates bout my life..
--> thanks to sweetie I've got a new and hot pink phone (Sony Ericson W705)
--> sweetie's birthday is coming up
--> tired
--> need to find a place to shift by June
That last update..will be another update on its own..it's an issue at the moment as I'm at a crossroad on that. Not decided anything and uncertain of what to decide.
What's on my mind now is just....FAXING!!!
Been faxing the whole day to schools in Kelantan and Selangor. Been faxing last Friday and the Friday before as well. I realized...I'm definitely good at...FAXING!!
Anyway, March has ended and April is here..the busiest month and stage in the research. Data collection time. Many arrangements to make, phone calls, wrapping..and FAXING!!!
Just some updates bout my life..
--> thanks to sweetie I've got a new and hot pink phone (Sony Ericson W705)
--> sweetie's birthday is coming up
--> tired
--> need to find a place to shift by June
That last update..will be another update on its own..it's an issue at the moment as I'm at a crossroad on that. Not decided anything and uncertain of what to decide.
What's on my mind now is just....FAXING!!!
Beezee beezee beezee
It's been a totally beezee week for me..so are the weeks ahead of me. It's work, work, work...calls, calls, calls...print, print, print...and plan, plan, plan.
Currently, the research is at its critical point where arrangements for data collection needs to get done. A difficult task will be contacting the 73 schools from all over Melaka, Selangor, Penang, Kelantan and Sabah. At of today, I've only gotten 19 schools' approval and another 54 more to go by the end of April, which is just another few more days left.
Not forgetting the editing job I've got to do as a side income. It's due on Monday and I've only started editing the abstract. The major part of lit review will be a headache. That's going to take up my Saturday.
Next week, another beezee week... In fact, in April...it gets worst. But, I can go back to Malacca every weekend..and probably a few weekdays too. For work purpose. >.<
Okie..got to go pack my bag now. Heading back to Malacca in the morning. Yiipppeee.... =D
Currently, the research is at its critical point where arrangements for data collection needs to get done. A difficult task will be contacting the 73 schools from all over Melaka, Selangor, Penang, Kelantan and Sabah. At of today, I've only gotten 19 schools' approval and another 54 more to go by the end of April, which is just another few more days left.
Not forgetting the editing job I've got to do as a side income. It's due on Monday and I've only started editing the abstract. The major part of lit review will be a headache. That's going to take up my Saturday.
Next week, another beezee week... In fact, in April...it gets worst. But, I can go back to Malacca every weekend..and probably a few weekdays too. For work purpose. >.<
Okie..got to go pack my bag now. Heading back to Malacca in the morning. Yiipppeee.... =D
Labels:
RA
Confused
Confused bout many stuff at the moment. Uncertain of what I truly want and uncertain of what I'm doing.
All this dream of obtaining my masters and phd..is it going to be practical? Is it what He wants for me in my life? Or is it what I want for me in my life? Can't see the end of the tunnel...whether will I see light at the end of this path? Or am I just going the wrong way?
Do I really want to walk this path of togetherness? Or is there another plan out there?
I've changed much as well..growing positively in one or two aspects..yet, I miss my old bubbly self. The one that can make friends and maintain the friendship easily. Now, it's always..no time, tired, busy...and more importantly, I find it such a trouble to maintain it. Those are just excuses.
I truly miss the free me..that didn't care how much trouble I had to face to maintain friendships.
Am I becoming like the world? Are my thoughts changing to be of the worlds' perspective? What happened to that sweet little girl who loved You so much? Drifted away..yet, still hanging on to You.
All this dream of obtaining my masters and phd..is it going to be practical? Is it what He wants for me in my life? Or is it what I want for me in my life? Can't see the end of the tunnel...whether will I see light at the end of this path? Or am I just going the wrong way?
Do I really want to walk this path of togetherness? Or is there another plan out there?
I've changed much as well..growing positively in one or two aspects..yet, I miss my old bubbly self. The one that can make friends and maintain the friendship easily. Now, it's always..no time, tired, busy...and more importantly, I find it such a trouble to maintain it. Those are just excuses.
I truly miss the free me..that didn't care how much trouble I had to face to maintain friendships.
Am I becoming like the world? Are my thoughts changing to be of the worlds' perspective? What happened to that sweet little girl who loved You so much? Drifted away..yet, still hanging on to You.
Crossroad
I just wonder..what am I going to do?
I know that my previous post is kinda..FIRED UP. Still am a little. With the issue that is going on at the moment, just can't seem to keep my cool.
Do I want to avoid conflict? Or do I want to mess it up?
Do I want to think for the peace of others? Or do I want what's best for my masters?
Do I want to keep putting on a mask? Or do I get all straight forward?
Do I want to keep a distance? Or do I want to get acquainted?
It's really tough being obedient. I'm awed with how all those bible heroes managed to obey Him. It's so not easy. Probably because I am a difficult and rebellious child. But am learning to obey my authority, which is so freaking tough.
Inside of me right at this moment..is to SCREAM!!!! Just want to let it all out instead of keeping it in. Can't seem to get it out.
All I can do now is to keep reminding myself...STAY STRONG!!
I know that my previous post is kinda..FIRED UP. Still am a little. With the issue that is going on at the moment, just can't seem to keep my cool.
Do I want to avoid conflict? Or do I want to mess it up?
Do I want to think for the peace of others? Or do I want what's best for my masters?
Do I want to keep putting on a mask? Or do I get all straight forward?
Do I want to keep a distance? Or do I want to get acquainted?
It's really tough being obedient. I'm awed with how all those bible heroes managed to obey Him. It's so not easy. Probably because I am a difficult and rebellious child. But am learning to obey my authority, which is so freaking tough.
Inside of me right at this moment..is to SCREAM!!!! Just want to let it all out instead of keeping it in. Can't seem to get it out.
All I can do now is to keep reminding myself...STAY STRONG!!
All FIRED UP!!!!
Totally FIRED UP!!
What the heck is it that you want? You beg a person to be on your research team and you leave her out of the communication and the progress of the research. The decisions you make, you did not inform her. As though she's a deaf and blind person that cannot communicate.
With all your delayed decisions, how do we progress fast? Every process is delayed and you keep pushing to hurry the process. What the heck!!!! So what if you have lots to do? We ALL have lots to do as well. We are only students..we still have our studies to be concerned about. Our life is NOT just for you.
We are NOT your slaves either. We may be employees of the university. BUT not your PA!!
I am unnecessarily wasting time? You are telling me that? Gee..how dare you tell me that!! Have you even seen what we girls do for you? You keep saying TQVM..but do you really mean it?? I just can't help but wonder.
You keep going on about 'hutang budi must bayar'..how bout you?? Do you even do your part?? You think everyone is like you?? Can't you grasp the concept of give and take? Not about just repaying debt??
You make me sick till I want to throw out. You SICK person!!!
What the heck is it that you want? You beg a person to be on your research team and you leave her out of the communication and the progress of the research. The decisions you make, you did not inform her. As though she's a deaf and blind person that cannot communicate.
With all your delayed decisions, how do we progress fast? Every process is delayed and you keep pushing to hurry the process. What the heck!!!! So what if you have lots to do? We ALL have lots to do as well. We are only students..we still have our studies to be concerned about. Our life is NOT just for you.
We are NOT your slaves either. We may be employees of the university. BUT not your PA!!
I am unnecessarily wasting time? You are telling me that? Gee..how dare you tell me that!! Have you even seen what we girls do for you? You keep saying TQVM..but do you really mean it?? I just can't help but wonder.
You keep going on about 'hutang budi must bayar'..how bout you?? Do you even do your part?? You think everyone is like you?? Can't you grasp the concept of give and take? Not about just repaying debt??
You make me sick till I want to throw out. You SICK person!!!
My passion is to...
...dance all night long; with that comes a flexible body and time.
...do research for real; not just for the sake of publications, names and high impact journals.
...dance some more; where I can be in my own world.
...reach out; when I suck at maintainance.
...dance, dance and dance; not that I'm a good dancer.
CONCLUSION:
...do research for real; not just for the sake of publications, names and high impact journals.
...dance some more; where I can be in my own world.
...reach out; when I suck at maintainance.
...dance, dance and dance; not that I'm a good dancer.
CONCLUSION:
I LOVE DANCING
Valentine letter
Dearest Kerrie,
It's been 18 years since we first met and knew each other. And not long after our first meeting, we became the best of friends that no one can ever replace.
I still remember clearly, we were both in different kindy. Yet, we became childhood friends in Uncle Toon's bus. From childhood friends, we moved on to primary school friends. Though we weren't that close in our early primary school years, it did not stop us from being best friends in Primary Six. Sweet and bitter memories of primary years still lingers in my mind.
Moving on to secondary school, we split for about 3 years. Probably due to the different peer groups and different class. Yet, once again, in our last 2 years in secondary school, we connected with each other again. The most memorable secondary school years were in Form 5. Sitting beside each other in class was a dream come true. To have my best friend beside me, walking the path of rebellion together. >.
However, after graduation, we separate once again for a few months. Yet, the bond is still there. Not long after that, we kept in touch and going for swims, going for meals together. Even after we started university, we still kept in touch though not often. Yet, it's the foundation of friendship that we've built over the past few years that makes separation between us bearable.
Not forgetting, in our early university years, our friendship went sour and bitter. With the betrayal and fights and mistrust that happened, our friendship was on hold. I thought that we could never connect anymore with the anger and sadness and disappointment that we both had with each other. Yet, a year or 2 later, the whole event could not stop us from connecting with each other. How glad I was that you took that first step to call me back then. It relieved me from the guilt that I kept throughout that period of 'no more best friend' when you forgave me for what I did to you.
Now, it's been 18 years. A friendship that undergone a numerous valleys and hills. With the wind and storm, it still stands strong and firm.
I am proud to have a best friend like you. If in this world there's a nominee for 'Best friend for life', I'd nominate you and tell the whole world how great and awesome you've been to me as a best friend.
A friend so true, A friend so real,
A friendship that never ends,
A friendship that I'll cherish to the end.
Kerrie, thanks for being that best friend to me for this 18 years. Though we can't celebrate Valentine's day for these 2 years, it's ok. Coz we have each other in our heart and mind. I love you, Kerrie. *huggies*
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to you!!!
With love always,
Junie
It's been 18 years since we first met and knew each other. And not long after our first meeting, we became the best of friends that no one can ever replace.
I still remember clearly, we were both in different kindy. Yet, we became childhood friends in Uncle Toon's bus. From childhood friends, we moved on to primary school friends. Though we weren't that close in our early primary school years, it did not stop us from being best friends in Primary Six. Sweet and bitter memories of primary years still lingers in my mind.
Moving on to secondary school, we split for about 3 years. Probably due to the different peer groups and different class. Yet, once again, in our last 2 years in secondary school, we connected with each other again. The most memorable secondary school years were in Form 5. Sitting beside each other in class was a dream come true. To have my best friend beside me, walking the path of rebellion together. >.
However, after graduation, we separate once again for a few months. Yet, the bond is still there. Not long after that, we kept in touch and going for swims, going for meals together. Even after we started university, we still kept in touch though not often. Yet, it's the foundation of friendship that we've built over the past few years that makes separation between us bearable.
Not forgetting, in our early university years, our friendship went sour and bitter. With the betrayal and fights and mistrust that happened, our friendship was on hold. I thought that we could never connect anymore with the anger and sadness and disappointment that we both had with each other. Yet, a year or 2 later, the whole event could not stop us from connecting with each other. How glad I was that you took that first step to call me back then. It relieved me from the guilt that I kept throughout that period of 'no more best friend' when you forgave me for what I did to you.
Now, it's been 18 years. A friendship that undergone a numerous valleys and hills. With the wind and storm, it still stands strong and firm.
I am proud to have a best friend like you. If in this world there's a nominee for 'Best friend for life', I'd nominate you and tell the whole world how great and awesome you've been to me as a best friend.
A friend so true, A friend so real,
A friendship that never ends,
A friendship that I'll cherish to the end.
Kerrie, thanks for being that best friend to me for this 18 years. Though we can't celebrate Valentine's day for these 2 years, it's ok. Coz we have each other in our heart and mind. I love you, Kerrie. *huggies*
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to you!!!
With love always,
Junie
My tiny friend called...
...the blade. It's small. It's sharp. It's pink. It cuts. My tiny friend whom I've not met for almost a year plus.
It's calling me. It's tempting me. It brings the urge out in me.
To think that it's been used for good purpose all the while.
But not at one point of its' lifespan.
It cuts deeply, it makes you bleed.
It leaves scars as a reminder..that it should be used for good purpose.
How I miss my friend that I have to resist...what an irony!!
It's calling me. It's tempting me. It brings the urge out in me.
To think that it's been used for good purpose all the while.
But not at one point of its' lifespan.
It cuts deeply, it makes you bleed.
It leaves scars as a reminder..that it should be used for good purpose.
How I miss my friend that I have to resist...what an irony!!
Room-saster
Room-saster...that is what my rooms' condition is at the moment. Not that it is messy or dirty..BUT.....it is infected with tiny insects and lotsa spiders. After cleaning for the day, it will be filled with dust the next day. Not forgetting to mention the once so clean wall at a portion is now with water marks. No idea where it get the water marks from.
I've always wanted a cosy and comfy room of my own. Thinking that I'll be able to maintain it, keeping it neat and clean, and simply having nice deco. It's been 23 years of my life dreaming of that. Imagine...
As you enter the room, it's creamy pink on the wall with some butterfly paintings all over the wall. Just by the door, it's my make-up table with lotsa hair accessories, make up, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, all either hanging or kept in cute wooden boxes. Then, there's my bed, a single bed raised up a little with a step or two to the mattress and at the end of the bed, there's another wooden big box for storage where I'll store my stuffed toys. >.<>.<>
I need to learn to be neat and tidy. Seriously..is there a treatment for untidiness and messiness? Each time I clean and clear my room to feeling so comfy, it would be upside down by the end of the month. Just can't seem to maintain it.
In fact, in life, maintainance is ONE thing that I suck at. I even choose to not take up responsibilities in life due to maintainance. Even in relationships, it's so so difficult to maintain. I'm the type of person who's not up for maintainance. Yet, I'm a difficult one for maintainance if you get what I mean.
When will I ever learn?? Jun, O Jun, learn to be neat and tidy, then you won't have to keep having a room-saster!!
I've always wanted a cosy and comfy room of my own. Thinking that I'll be able to maintain it, keeping it neat and clean, and simply having nice deco. It's been 23 years of my life dreaming of that. Imagine...
As you enter the room, it's creamy pink on the wall with some butterfly paintings all over the wall. Just by the door, it's my make-up table with lotsa hair accessories, make up, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, all either hanging or kept in cute wooden boxes. Then, there's my bed, a single bed raised up a little with a step or two to the mattress and at the end of the bed, there's another wooden big box for storage where I'll store my stuffed toys. >.<>.<>
I need to learn to be neat and tidy. Seriously..is there a treatment for untidiness and messiness? Each time I clean and clear my room to feeling so comfy, it would be upside down by the end of the month. Just can't seem to maintain it.
In fact, in life, maintainance is ONE thing that I suck at. I even choose to not take up responsibilities in life due to maintainance. Even in relationships, it's so so difficult to maintain. I'm the type of person who's not up for maintainance. Yet, I'm a difficult one for maintainance if you get what I mean.
When will I ever learn?? Jun, O Jun, learn to be neat and tidy, then you won't have to keep having a room-saster!!
Life as A Research Assistant 1
Hie hie! For those of you who are too bored to scroll down and read my previous entries, here's a new start.
I'm now a 1st year 2nd sem student in UPM, pursuing Master of Science in Psychology of Child Development. A supposedly full-time student, yet, a full-time research assistant to a professor here too. We are currently working on a nation-wide study on parenting behavior and adolescents' well-being. A 6 digit funding from the university.
Together with another 2 colleagues, Sandy and Chiah, my role as a research assistant is to be the research manager. I manage accounts, filings, documents, minutes, meetings, research report. In one word, I'm a MULTI-TASKER!!
I'm also Prof's Personal Assistant (PA), doing some of her personal admin work. A list of my tasks?? Filling up forms, claims, finding articles, writing abstracts, scanning and uploading for her KM Portal, banking in cheques, translation, writing letters..these are just a few of admin work. Research related work?? Questionnaire, writing report, reading, reading, finding articles, writing, application, presentation....
Working time? Officially, 8am - 5pm weekdays. Unofficially, 24/7!! Anytime of the day, when there's work to do, the folder on my email that says 'RUGS' will be bolded with a (1) or (2) or (??) beside it. Just in one day, that folder can be bombarded with 10+ emails. A nightmare at times.
Well..got to head back to work. Adding another 2 scales into our extreme questionnaire.
I'm now a 1st year 2nd sem student in UPM, pursuing Master of Science in Psychology of Child Development. A supposedly full-time student, yet, a full-time research assistant to a professor here too. We are currently working on a nation-wide study on parenting behavior and adolescents' well-being. A 6 digit funding from the university.
Together with another 2 colleagues, Sandy and Chiah, my role as a research assistant is to be the research manager. I manage accounts, filings, documents, minutes, meetings, research report. In one word, I'm a MULTI-TASKER!!
I'm also Prof's Personal Assistant (PA), doing some of her personal admin work. A list of my tasks?? Filling up forms, claims, finding articles, writing abstracts, scanning and uploading for her KM Portal, banking in cheques, translation, writing letters..these are just a few of admin work. Research related work?? Questionnaire, writing report, reading, reading, finding articles, writing, application, presentation....
Working time? Officially, 8am - 5pm weekdays. Unofficially, 24/7!! Anytime of the day, when there's work to do, the folder on my email that says 'RUGS' will be bolded with a (1) or (2) or (??) beside it. Just in one day, that folder can be bombarded with 10+ emails. A nightmare at times.
Well..got to head back to work. Adding another 2 scales into our extreme questionnaire.
Labels:
RA
10 months left
10 months left to finish my thesis..isn't that...pressurizing??
News flash that my co-supervisor will be leaving us by the end of the year. And she has faith in me to complete my thesis before she leaves. It is a nice feeling to have her trusting me. But, can I really do it?
I'm really messed up with my thesis. Though I love research work so much, it's tough reading between the lines of those articles. And being ethical?? It's just difficult in the real world out there.
My co-supervisor has kinda high expectations on me. Am grateful to have her. Hopefully, I WILL finish it within this year and grad by next year.
News flash that my co-supervisor will be leaving us by the end of the year. And she has faith in me to complete my thesis before she leaves. It is a nice feeling to have her trusting me. But, can I really do it?
I'm really messed up with my thesis. Though I love research work so much, it's tough reading between the lines of those articles. And being ethical?? It's just difficult in the real world out there.
My co-supervisor has kinda high expectations on me. Am grateful to have her. Hopefully, I WILL finish it within this year and grad by next year.
Labels:
Thesis
End of January 2010
Wow...time passes very fast. 5 entries excluding this one just for the month of January. I'm impressed. >.<>
Anyway, it's the end of January and February is just 3 hours away. One month has gone and as usual...ups and downs. Generally, I'd like to declare that January 2010 has been quite a revealing month for me.
He revealed past promises, past passion, past plans...mainly the past that kept me thinking. Of course not to dwell in it..but to learn from mistakes and to renew old flames and unkept promises.
For instance, my destinied passion for dancing, the interest of being a teacher when I was younger, the promise to join mission work, the purpose I'm furthering my studies.
However, what is the next step? It is my prayer that in February, it will be another month of revealings...but revealing what are the choices I have in life related to work, family and mission.
So, am looking forward to February and achieving my not forgotten milestones... =)
Anyway, it's the end of January and February is just 3 hours away. One month has gone and as usual...ups and downs. Generally, I'd like to declare that January 2010 has been quite a revealing month for me.
He revealed past promises, past passion, past plans...mainly the past that kept me thinking. Of course not to dwell in it..but to learn from mistakes and to renew old flames and unkept promises.
For instance, my destinied passion for dancing, the interest of being a teacher when I was younger, the promise to join mission work, the purpose I'm furthering my studies.
However, what is the next step? It is my prayer that in February, it will be another month of revealings...but revealing what are the choices I have in life related to work, family and mission.
So, am looking forward to February and achieving my not forgotten milestones... =)
Labels:
January
Prayer
Job 38:4-6
Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-
----------------------------------------------
Toward the end of Job, this Scripture is God's rebuke to Job's friends on their attempts to explain why good people suffer. God makes it plain that we don't even have the frame of reference for those questions. Our role is to watch our own hearts before God and come before Him with humility, knowing that some things are reserved for God and God alone.
------------------------------
Lord,
I believe you have put me here in this project for a reason. I do not have any reference to compare others with me. You made each of us uniquely and have written out our life story. You created us for different purposes and let us go through different journeys of life. Forgive me for being a green monster. Help me to be grateful. In Jesus name. AMEN
Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone-
----------------------------------------------
Toward the end of Job, this Scripture is God's rebuke to Job's friends on their attempts to explain why good people suffer. God makes it plain that we don't even have the frame of reference for those questions. Our role is to watch our own hearts before God and come before Him with humility, knowing that some things are reserved for God and God alone.
------------------------------
Lord,
I believe you have put me here in this project for a reason. I do not have any reference to compare others with me. You made each of us uniquely and have written out our life story. You created us for different purposes and let us go through different journeys of life. Forgive me for being a green monster. Help me to be grateful. In Jesus name. AMEN
Labels:
Prayer
Green Monster
Green monster is often linked to jealousy..and that is what I'm feeling at the moment.
Jealous of those....
...undergrad that has the time to do their thesis.
...that has made the right choice in choosing their supervisor.
...who have a life even though they are busy at work.
...that has the smart brain to critically analyze.
...that are able to cope with stress positively.
...who are optimistic.
...who are bold, strong and courageous.
...who won't start sobbing when problems crosses their path.
Green monster...GO AWAY!!!
Jealous of those....
...undergrad that has the time to do their thesis.
...that has made the right choice in choosing their supervisor.
...who have a life even though they are busy at work.
...that has the smart brain to critically analyze.
...that are able to cope with stress positively.
...who are optimistic.
...who are bold, strong and courageous.
...who won't start sobbing when problems crosses their path.
Green monster...GO AWAY!!!
Labels:
ergh
Thesis Breakdown
Just when I thought that I have the idea and direction for my thesis, it has to crash and crumble. What else can I do with the limitations existing?
I want to read more journal articles..yet, no time to find. When I have found, I take the time while waiting for the bus to read the articles that is relevant.
Now, it's all back to square one once again. Haiz...doing research is tough...especially at the Master standard. If I were to do PhD, it's probably going to be even more challenging.
Can I really do it???
I want to read more journal articles..yet, no time to find. When I have found, I take the time while waiting for the bus to read the articles that is relevant.
Now, it's all back to square one once again. Haiz...doing research is tough...especially at the Master standard. If I were to do PhD, it's probably going to be even more challenging.
Can I really do it???
Labels:
Thesis
Miss End of January 2010
It's coming to an end of January. Any progress? Any achievement or some sort?
Work is still work..can't seem to avoid from it. Each time when I plan to quit, it's always in the midst of some challenges faced at work. Making a decision when one is down is definitely not a wise choice.
Anyway, since the last update, the situation at work has changed a little. Thanks for all the prayers from my family and friends. As I seek advice and giving it second and numerous thoughts, this was what I came up with.
1. My main aim is to graduate with Masters within the 2 years, which is to have my coonvo in 2011. This is going to be tough with the research slowing down and with the histories of RA not being able to graduate in time. Yet, I trust in Him that I will graduate in 2011. Hence, moving on to PhD.
2. My own thesis?? Thank God for my co-supervisor. Though she is tough and quite sarcastic, she's great. Have been scolded by her before..but I don't blame her. In fact, she's helping me in my concept paper. She even praised me for my english writing, something that is motivating me and encouraging me to write for my own concept paper. At least, now, I have a direction for my thesis after all the wondering that I've been doing.
Well, in short, I'm refreshed to put my all in the research in order for me to achieve my aim. I just got to stay focus and not let any people-related problem to influence me. Just be task-oriented at the moment.
Other updates? Yea...house issue. Something that is so...disappointing, upset, hurt. It's really tough being a middle person for the sake of others. The misunderstandings that they have towards you, the faults they find in each other. I'm the type of person who does not know how to confront. Just to keep everything within till it burst and having my dearest sweetie to cope with my outburst. It's not settled, that's for sure. It's just a short term solution at the moment.
At times, I do wish I can live in my world where I do not have to care of others and not bother about anyone. Just like the 'lotus eater' that we read in our Form 4 English short stories. Yet, this is reality. To live with others in 'harmony'. Something difficult..but not impossible.
Milestone for next month:
- To appoint my supervisory committee and have the first meeting.
- To finish writing out one article for Annie.
- To present at Ethics and have their approval.
- To conduct the pilot study.
- To go to Ipoh during CNY and relax there.
Thanks to those of you that I emailed regarding prayer request!! God indeed is an awesome God. =)
Work is still work..can't seem to avoid from it. Each time when I plan to quit, it's always in the midst of some challenges faced at work. Making a decision when one is down is definitely not a wise choice.
Anyway, since the last update, the situation at work has changed a little. Thanks for all the prayers from my family and friends. As I seek advice and giving it second and numerous thoughts, this was what I came up with.
1. My main aim is to graduate with Masters within the 2 years, which is to have my coonvo in 2011. This is going to be tough with the research slowing down and with the histories of RA not being able to graduate in time. Yet, I trust in Him that I will graduate in 2011. Hence, moving on to PhD.
2. My own thesis?? Thank God for my co-supervisor. Though she is tough and quite sarcastic, she's great. Have been scolded by her before..but I don't blame her. In fact, she's helping me in my concept paper. She even praised me for my english writing, something that is motivating me and encouraging me to write for my own concept paper. At least, now, I have a direction for my thesis after all the wondering that I've been doing.
Well, in short, I'm refreshed to put my all in the research in order for me to achieve my aim. I just got to stay focus and not let any people-related problem to influence me. Just be task-oriented at the moment.
Other updates? Yea...house issue. Something that is so...disappointing, upset, hurt. It's really tough being a middle person for the sake of others. The misunderstandings that they have towards you, the faults they find in each other. I'm the type of person who does not know how to confront. Just to keep everything within till it burst and having my dearest sweetie to cope with my outburst. It's not settled, that's for sure. It's just a short term solution at the moment.
At times, I do wish I can live in my world where I do not have to care of others and not bother about anyone. Just like the 'lotus eater' that we read in our Form 4 English short stories. Yet, this is reality. To live with others in 'harmony'. Something difficult..but not impossible.
Milestone for next month:
- To appoint my supervisory committee and have the first meeting.
- To finish writing out one article for Annie.
- To present at Ethics and have their approval.
- To conduct the pilot study.
- To go to Ipoh during CNY and relax there.
Thanks to those of you that I emailed regarding prayer request!! God indeed is an awesome God. =)
WARNING!! Long Updates
WARNING!!
Due to me being MIA since Nov, this is going to be a long post to update afew many stuff that has been happening in my life lately. Updates will be in topic arrangements. So, choose which topics you'd like to read update yourself of my boring exciting life.
Recommendation!!
All topics EXCEPT work topic is recommended.
Christmas Party
Christmas party was held at my place together with my colleagues. Made pongteh and other dishes. Really had fun. A poem for them for that joyous occassion.
Ding ding dang, ding ding dang,
6 girls 3 boys, partying on christmas,
3 lovely models, 2 pro photographers,
1 cook, and 3 tiang lampus...
Gift exchange is a must,
As christmas is a season for giving,
Yet, only girls took part.
A skipping rope for exercise,
A pot to cook maggie mee,
A notebook to write notes..duh-uh
A water bottle to quench your thirst.
A pair of earrings, dangling and shiny,
A long long foldable shelf to store your clothes...
Yet, chocolates for guys,
To sweeten their mouth,
To continue the spirit of giving,
As they sweet talk to their girls.
Christmas
Christmas eve was spoiled as I had to work half day due to a meeting that I had to attend (elaborated in work topic). However, I was glad to be back home spending christmas with my family. Made pai tee for my family, uncle, aunties and cousin as well.
Presents?? Received but no giving. Not my culture somehow which is my new year resolution to change that culture. >.<
What did I get?
1) A new black long purse from my mum and sisters [finally got a purse]
2) A skipping rope from my colleague [elaborated christmas party topic]
3) A barbie doll [thanks for giving ya.. >.<]
New Year
New year eve was still workinghalf full day. Headache attacked in the evening. Had new year eve dinner at my sis's place, which Alex cooked dinner, with my dad, mum and sisters. Really yummy and delicious. =D Came back and sleep after that.
Next day, we went to watch Avatar 3D at Sunway, which people were saying that the effects were cool and nice. Yet, I totally disagree. Watching 3D is just like watching 2D..but watching 2D is even nicer. After the show, headed to Kuala Selangor for our next agenda.
Next agenda was crabs and fireflies. Sadly, no crabs were sold in any shops as somehow, not in stock. So, had seafood without crabs. Really enjoyed dinner thoughhave no crabs. After dinner, headed to see the fireflies. It was the right timing when we went though. Coz it just finished raining and the tide was high enough for us to see the fireflies without having to keep looking up at the tree. Caught a few fireflies and played with it as well. Our boatman that night somehow treated us (me,Yen,Edwin) very well. He caught for us fireflies and we were in the boat longer too. Then, it was back home.
Room Spring Cleaning
Yippie!! Rearranged my room furnitures and I like it. >.<>clearingcleaning rearranging my room, I noticed I had lotsa stuff to throw give/reuse. Should have a jumble sale and earn some $$$$. What say you??
Work
A topic that is just unbearbable to share actually. But I do know that there are some concern friends who are really concern in wanting to know what's been going on in my work that I keep not wanting to talk about. So, here goes as I randomly ramble and may not make any sense to you.
First, progress on research work is slowing down. A can be noticed mistake that can save up our time was not noticed earlier..and shooting it at us for us not taking initiative. This was what spoiled my christmas. The first time ever that really fired me up from within with much anger, disappointment, and failure feeling. I do admit that it is my fault for not arranging stuff properly. Yet, I have already passed it to you one day before for you to DOUBLE check, which you definitely DID NOT go through it till the meeting. With all the underground meetings, you never involved her in and you expect her to know why we change certain things in the questionnaire? You did not even informed her of the changes.
I decided to love you but not your actions or decisions..yet, you are making it so difficult to love you. In fact, youare have already made me traumatized of you. I dream of you asking me to do work related stuff, I fear of your emails, smses and calls. I'm terrified by how manipulative you can be.
Though I keep telling myself that God has given me this impossible made possible oppurtunity, I will not quit...you make me want to give up even more. Your personal work is NOT for us to do. With such a status, the responsibility is in YOUR hands..NOT mine.
And simply just because you are her supervisor, it DOES NOT MEAN that you can take her data set!!! She has to relunctantly give you her data set...just to save her ass from getting burnt or whacked. You claimed that you treat us like your daughters..but do you really treat us like that?? Yea...you make your daughter do your personal work as well..which I truly pity her...no freedom. Yet, did you even consider our life?? Our life is NOT merely for you and you alone. We DO NOT belong to you. We DO NOT work 24/7 like you. We want our rest.
We are so pressured by your expectations and the HUGE work load. Always on the run. Now that your health is slowing you down, even more work is given to us. Yet, I still WANT to choose to love you. But can I?? After all that you've done???
For sure I have made my mistakes. Both major and minor..which I only have myself to blame. Yet, how can you hear a clapping sound with just one hand clapping??
I do wish I can stop working under you. To be set free. Yet, I've much to learn about research work.
----
Sweetie,
Thank you for just being there for me. I know it hurts when I'm not saying a word about what I'm going through. I know you're sad when I am sad. I know you want me to be happy. And you always want what's best for me. Yet, you are so patient, never giving up. Waiting for me to pour it all out to you, sharing the joys and also the pains together. Though I am sad that now you are not here with me, I know you're always in my heart and I'm in yours.
没有一个字可以表达我对你的爱 is definitely true as actions speak louder than words. The only thing I can do to let you know that I love you...is to be strong and happy. To eat slow, to walk slow, to talk slow, to laugh slow. All for my own good. Thank you sweetie for bringing the best out of me!
Missing you with lotsa love...
Due to me being MIA since Nov, this is going to be a long post to update a
Recommendation!!
All topics EXCEPT work topic is recommended.
Christmas Party
Christmas party was held at my place together with my colleagues. Made pongteh and other dishes. Really had fun. A poem for them for that joyous occassion.
Ding ding dang, ding ding dang,
6 girls 3 boys, partying on christmas,
3 lovely models, 2 pro photographers,
1 cook, and 3 tiang lampus...
Gift exchange is a must,
As christmas is a season for giving,
Yet, only girls took part.
A skipping rope for exercise,
A pot to cook maggie mee,
A notebook to write notes..duh-uh
A water bottle to quench your thirst.
A pair of earrings, dangling and shiny,
A long long foldable shelf to store your clothes...
Yet, chocolates for guys,
To sweeten their mouth,
To continue the spirit of giving,
As they sweet talk to their girls.
Christmas
Christmas eve was spoiled as I had to work half day due to a meeting that I had to attend (elaborated in work topic). However, I was glad to be back home spending christmas with my family. Made pai tee for my family, uncle, aunties and cousin as well.
Presents?? Received but no giving. Not my culture somehow which is my new year resolution to change that culture. >.<
What did I get?
1) A new black long purse from my mum and sisters [finally got a purse]
2) A skipping rope from my colleague [elaborated christmas party topic]
3) A barbie doll [thanks for giving ya.. >.<]
New Year
New year eve was still working
Next day, we went to watch Avatar 3D at Sunway, which people were saying that the effects were cool and nice. Yet, I totally disagree. Watching 3D is just like watching 2D..but watching 2D is even nicer. After the show, headed to Kuala Selangor for our next agenda.
Next agenda was crabs and fireflies. Sadly, no crabs were sold in any shops as somehow, not in stock. So, had seafood without crabs. Really enjoyed dinner though
Room Spring Cleaning
Yippie!! Rearranged my room furnitures and I like it. >.<>clearing
Work
A topic that is just unbearbable to share actually. But I do know that there are some concern friends who are really concern in wanting to know what's been going on in my work that I keep not wanting to talk about. So, here goes as I randomly ramble and may not make any sense to you.
First, progress on research work is slowing down. A can be noticed mistake that can save up our time was not noticed earlier..and shooting it at us for us not taking initiative. This was what spoiled my christmas. The first time ever that really fired me up from within with much anger, disappointment, and failure feeling. I do admit that it is my fault for not arranging stuff properly. Yet, I have already passed it to you one day before for you to DOUBLE check, which you definitely DID NOT go through it till the meeting. With all the underground meetings, you never involved her in and you expect her to know why we change certain things in the questionnaire? You did not even informed her of the changes.
I decided to love you but not your actions or decisions..yet, you are making it so difficult to love you. In fact, you
Though I keep telling myself that God has given me this impossible made possible oppurtunity, I will not quit...you make me want to give up even more. Your personal work is NOT for us to do. With such a status, the responsibility is in YOUR hands..NOT mine.
And simply just because you are her supervisor, it DOES NOT MEAN that you can take her data set!!! She has to relunctantly give you her data set...just to save her ass from getting burnt or whacked. You claimed that you treat us like your daughters..but do you really treat us like that?? Yea...you make your daughter do your personal work as well..which I truly pity her...no freedom. Yet, did you even consider our life?? Our life is NOT merely for you and you alone. We DO NOT belong to you. We DO NOT work 24/7 like you. We want our rest.
We are so pressured by your expectations and the HUGE work load. Always on the run. Now that your health is slowing you down, even more work is given to us. Yet, I still WANT to choose to love you. But can I?? After all that you've done???
For sure I have made my mistakes. Both major and minor..which I only have myself to blame. Yet, how can you hear a clapping sound with just one hand clapping??
I do wish I can stop working under you. To be set free. Yet, I've much to learn about research work.
----
Sweetie,
Thank you for just being there for me. I know it hurts when I'm not saying a word about what I'm going through. I know you're sad when I am sad. I know you want me to be happy. And you always want what's best for me. Yet, you are so patient, never giving up. Waiting for me to pour it all out to you, sharing the joys and also the pains together. Though I am sad that now you are not here with me, I know you're always in my heart and I'm in yours.
没有一个字可以表达我对你的爱 is definitely true as actions speak louder than words. The only thing I can do to let you know that I love you...is to be strong and happy. To eat slow, to walk slow, to talk slow, to laugh slow. All for my own good. Thank you sweetie for bringing the best out of me!
Missing you with lotsa love...
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