- my best guy friend -

first of all, before i start blogging...i'd like to wish my dearest best guy friend, aaron lee, a

HAPPY & BLESSED BIRTHDAY!!! ^.^

a little bout aaron..he's born on the 31st of october in the year 1986. met him in a su camp in cameron at the end of form 2. knew him by name and by face and that he's a cousin to my godbrother, matthew. did go out once after camp to watch a movie. i still remember clearly that our mutual friend's mum fetched us to mp to meet up with the rest of the malaccan campers. didnt really talk then if i remember correctly. 2 years later, i got his email and house phone number as i needed it so desperately..why so desperate? simple 5 word answer...solution to add maths project...that's how the friendship started..because of add maths project...interesting, right? from that day, we became friends, and can i put it 'enemy' also ar? maybe not enemy...just erm...had our fights, our misunderstandings, our hurts, lots of experience together. good and bad, sweet and bitter.

something bout him perhaps?? he's NEVER angry, big size (which makes him so cuddly ^.^), patient, may look big and tough on the outside, but on the inside, he's soft-hearted and gentle. he knows how to treat a friend the way they want to be treated. always there for me whether it's at 1am or 3am. i still remember calling him during my stpm bout 2+am. not forgetting this year..your appreciatted effort in waking up super early on sundays just to pick me up...that's how thoughtful he is. and yeah...my handphone...and my digi number...that two for my 18th birthday..which i'll always keep it.

all in all...i now declare that... AARON LEE, you have been and still am...my best guy friend!! thank you for everything and for the things to come. it is my prayer that He will bless you with more crazy & lame friends like me..not only to annoy you and trouble you all the time...but most of all...to always be grateful for such a wonderful friend like you!! =)

well...been going out of the house since sunday. after church, came back and sleep a while, and i'm out to have dinner with ker li. yesterday, went out with my sister, yen, esther, matthew, tsyr tsyr, da ge and 3 of esther's friends...to watch 'open season'...nice show...and today...went out for lunch with my kor-kor before he head back to cyber...had fun with him in the car laughing...went round to get some food for his housemates...met his mmu, malacca campus, friend...although it was just for a couple hours...i really enjoy myself...thanks kor...

hmm...lately...quite occupied with some small little projects to do...such as my dear's birthday present, packing my tiny decorations, doing research on dance therapy, youth prayer meeting, r2g, youth board in church, etc...hope i'll find joy in doing all that... ^.^

- poems -

Letting go
And moving on
Is one thing
That seems
To be difficult
After experiencing
A loving
And caring
Relationship

But
That’s what
I decided
To take this step
Of faith
Trusting God
Has a better
And wonderful
Plan for me
In my life

Waiting
Needs patience
And patience
Is a virtue
Do I
Have enough of that
To keep me going?
Only
The Big Guy up there
Knows what’s ahead
Of my future…

Djun
11.9.06

---------------------------------------------------

The Beatitudes
Simply stands for
The Be-Attitudes
That’s how
It should be viewed
Indeed
God’s abundant blessings
Comes from obeying
The eight attitudes
That guides us
And change us
To be a better
And effective
Child of God

The Beatitudes
Contains positive qualities
Simple, practical and easy
Pitfalls to avoid
To cultivate
A good mental health
It is after all
A powerful blueprint
From our Abba Father
For a healthy
And abundant living

Thank you, Abba Father
For the Beatitudes
That we
Your children
May live
A blessed
And fulfilling life

Djun
12.9.06

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deep within the heart
Is burning so furiously
Blaming itself
For destroying other hearts
Thinking of itself
Of what it gains
And not thinking
Or caring for others
It’s so deceiving
That many
Fall into the trap
Being fooled
Being played
Being toyed around with
In the end
The other hearts
Just burnt to ashes
Because the fire
Deep within that heart
Wasn’t able to control
The furious burning

Djun
13.9.06

- is the heart being fooled? -

gee..didnt sleep in the end yesterday after blogging..went out with tracy, esther and my sister for supper....this time..i'm smart enough to order milo ice instead of teh o ice...came back bout 12 something, online a while to chat with some cf peeps...then went to sleep bout 1am if i'm not wrong...today...its kind of boring...not exactly boring la...mind keep wondering...

why the title today?? is the heart being fooled? fooled by who? by what? there are just so many things that i find myself being fooled today. as though everything that happened lately is all just a dream that will come crushing down one day...and when will that day be? today? tomorrow? the next two days? a weeks time? a months time? i can only wonder...

can we ever be real to ourselves in reality and not fool ourselves with dreams and fantasies? is one's life being ruled by reality or by dreams and fantasies? for us who believe in Jesus, we know that our life ought to be ruled by Him...and it is a process and lesson to put Him as the ruler of our life...but what if the heart says no?? can that be stopped?? what if the heart chooses to be ignorant?? not wanting to live by the Spirit? they will for sure face the consequences of it, right? but is it their fault?

the mind is known to be a powerful tool...it's what you feed the mind that will come out in actions and words...its from the mind that the desires come from...but what bout the heart?? when the heart is being fooled, is it because the mind is being fooled as well? are the things that seems to be so beautiful just a cover for reality and fools the heart? are those sweet words to fool the heart and mind so that both of it will not think straight? to be melted in it? what if it gets burnt?? then what? quarrels? misunderstandings? betrayals? no trust??

what bout doing good with a real sincere heart? is it the heart being fooled as well that it wants to do good without expecting something?? or is it really sincere? how does one knows?? outside it may be perceived as good...but does the heart fools the outside?? making the mind believe that it is sincere??

what bout the character and behaviour of a person? is it being fooled by the heart too? or is the heart being fooled by the character and behaviour? which one is being fooled and which one is doing the fooling? the mind or the heart or is there something else?

is what seems to be right on track is actually just a cover of the worst that's going to happen after you make that jump?? what's real and what's not?

what bout fooling with other peeps heart and mind?? do we realise what we are doing?? is it intentional? for good or for bad? no one can tell...even themselves...why? are they being fooled as well?? is there a force inside of us that is constantly fighting??

what is trust?? what is faith? what is true and pure love?? what are friends? what is being true to yourself?? what's it all??

i can only wonder and not get the answers that i want... (is the heart being fooled again??)

- 2 sleepless nights -

2 cups of tea = 2 sleepless nights + 2 tiring days + 1 crappy djun + 1 long post (so...be prepared with a long, boring, crappy, sleepy mode post)

what an interesting equation, dont you think?? ^.^ first of all, on wednesday night, went out yam cha with a church friend and my elder sister. we first went to kopitiam, had teh ais and some yucky toast bread. after an hour, took a drive down to town, mouth watering hoping to eat the delicious char siew fan that only opens at 11something at night, but left with a disappointment cause it wasnt open =(...next stop was jiki...had teh o ais this time...sat there to talk till bout 1am. came back, online a while, then went to bed...was pretty tired by then..but sigh...couldnt sleep...knowing the next night i plan not to sleep, i forced myself to sleep, but FAILED!! i even counted sheeps...imagine that, ahaha..finally, i fell asleep after tossing for what seems like hours...before i knew it...my phone rang...'hey babe, time to wake up' *tut....tut....* in that state of blurness, i knew my friend, ian would be arriving in 10minutes time...dragging my whole body up, i got myself ready in a sleepy mode. when he came, we went to buy the bus ticket since his girlfriend(who is also my friend, ker li) and i were going up to kl that night. after getting the tickets, we went for breakfast with another of his friends, james, and gee...had lots of fun with them...super crazy peeps...somehow we can just 'ngam'...by the time i came back, it was 12 something, changed to my shorts, hoping to get some sleep...but just before i could put my head on the pillow, another phone call camefrom my godbrother, gary..."i'm outside your taman already.." i was like..."huh?? outside my taman??" in a sleepy and tired and crappy mode...i changed into my jeans and was out of the house once again for the second time of the day. went out with him, ann, anna, and nathaneal(hope i spelt it correctly) to mp which was my second time going again...*faint* while we were fetching anna and nathaneal...all i did was to bombard my kor-kor whom i hardly 'bully' since he's always the one bullying me..was really crappy then...#sorry ya kor for that day ^.^# anyway...they wanted to watch a movie, but i didnt want to...so, typed a sms and got my mum to pick me up bout 2 something. thinking that i could go back straight home and sleep, was so out...went to check out some cars at perodua which my sis thought of buying[in the end not buying =( ]...finally, got back bout 4pm, tried to get some sleep...and i did sleep...but i thought it was hours when it was just bout 30-45 minutes...sigh...somehow just couldnt sleep. got up bout 5 something packed my bag, took a bathe, went out for dinner, and i'm on the bus at 8pm with ker li. on the way to kl, it was raining super heavily, thought i could get some sleep...BUT NO...CANT SLEEP AGAIN!!! *sigh* when we reached pudu, ian picked us up. was supposed to stay at my dear's house which the plan was changed at the last minute...ended up staying at ian's relative's house, we had to rough it out there..slept on the sofa...oh wait..not sleep..just lie down...they had a clock that goes 'ding' every hour too...and got bitten by so many mosquitoes, which ended up to another sleepless night...got up at 5am, went to KLIA, send ian off to singpore to get his pilot training, was there to be with ker li though (main reason why i went up to kl)... had mc donalds for breakfast, treated by ian's mum...left KLIA bout 9 something, took a but to nilai ktm, took the ktm to subang...the ride is super long...was trying to get some sleep again...but FAILURE again...by the time we reached subang ktm station, it was bout 11 something, took a bus to segi college as my friend intended to study there but found out it's not what she was looking for. then, took a cab to see my dear, had lunch with him, and his dad sent us to the ktm station bout 1.30pm. took the ktm to pasar seni station, walked to pudu, got on the bus...and FINALLY....got some sleep...guess the effect of the tea wore off by then...came back, continued sleeping, woke up for dinner, typing this blog, and back to sleep after this..plan to wake up bout 10 something to online again...as i have some peeps to chat with...and back to sleep....yea!!

haha...super long, boring and crappy post right? as i'm typing now...my brain is quite blank...its a marvel how me and ker li survived today...we hardly slept last night...walked around, butts pain cause of the long journey...the emotional happening at the airport...what a day for me...not forgetting the 2 sleepless nights...which is such a torture...

all in all...i'm glad i decided to accompany ker li up to kl as she needed someone to be with her seeing her boyfriend go off and wont be seeing him for another 2 years. but the one thing that i apprectiate the most going up to kl...is....FOR ME TO KNOW, FOR YOU TO FIND OUT!!! haha.... ^.^

okie...time for sleep.... (=.=)zzzzzzz

- amnesia?? -

does anyone ever wished they have amnesia in their life before? wanting to forget everything bout themselves, and bout everything that has ever happened to them in their life? sort of letting go of the past in an easier way...completely erasing and not losing all unwanted memories...i wish that could happen to me...when i wake up one morning, i'd be wondering who am i, where am i, having no memory of myself and the past...sometimesm i wish i would get into an accident as well...and losing my memory that way...in a way...i'd be starting a new life with a new person in me...

anyway...ysterday was a tiring day for me...went to hutan rekreasi for a picnic in spite of the haze with my church youths and 5 friends from my previous school, mhs. we had lotsa fun...well...i did..in the games, the message, the food...so happy to have 17 of us there including me...that is a big number to me...came back from the picnic, had lunch, walked around in the house a while, then went to sleep bout 1 something...when i woke up, it was 6 something...cool right? went for dinner with my mum, 2 sisters and my aunt at bout 7pm...went shopping till bout 10pm...came back..online..had a chance to put my psychology knowledge into use...and went to sleep at bout 1am...coz my dad scolded me for doing nothing on the computer till late at night.....^.^

well...youth prayer meeting will be starting tomorrow at 8pm in church...not really sure what to expect from it...but it is my prayer to invite the Holy Spirit there and just fill each of us up with His presence...experiencing God in His own special way...focusing on our church youths and our friends and schools....that will be a start for them...one of the aunt in church did say that it's high time the youth had a prayer meeting...and i thank God i'm in tune with Him on this....

being in tune for the Lord is what my life is all about since i came back from uni for the 3 months break...that is somehow my heart desire...to be in tune with Him, being more and more like Jesus, and sharing His love to everyone...

the name june(although my name is without the 'e') means to have a benevolent heart...i cant remember exactly what was the explaination for it but this is what i understand from it...i have a kind heart, always giving and i can never refuse the borrower...which i find is so true...yet it can be a burden at times..i enjoy helping my friends and giving what i have to them...but at times, when it's beyond what i can do...i still want to help which i cant...that is when i find it such a burden...to not being able to refuse the borrower or the needy...sometimes i wonder..is that good or bad?? till now...i'm seeking Him for answers as to how to be that person with a benevolent heart.

DAY 24 of fast....7 days left!!! it's been tough not being able to jam...but one thing that i realised yesterday at the picnic was this...what is the point for me to fast if after the fast i'll be the same jun addicted to music games and letting it take control over me and taking up my time?? it's pointless then for me to fast..the idea of fasting..is of course i mean business with Him on those 7 peeps in my life..but at the same time..it should also be a time for me to be released from this addiction...am i right?? well..i have 7 days left..i pray as i meditate on His word during my precious moments with Him..i'd be able to put that addiction at the altar letting Him be in control.

what's my plan for today?? after this, go cook maggi mee for lunch, stay home and do some research on depression since a close friend of mine is under depression, going out with her at night for a drink with my elder sis, and i guess that's bout it...nothing much...probably do some research too on dance therapy(a degree i might pursue later on after my first degree)....

* be strong and courageous *

- 3good+2bad(news)=5interesting(news) -

should i start with the bad or good news first?? we shall begin with the bad one alternating it with the good one to make it neutral ya??

bad news 1 + good news 1
the girl whom i tried to help...is kinda threatening me at the moment for not helping her get cash and avoiding her...sent some messages which erm...my friend said rude...i thought she would change..but i was wrong...instead it's the other friend who changed...which i'm glad that i finally had the chance and guts to share bout His love for the first time after 14 years of knowing her...bad news and good news in a way....

bad news 2
the haze is still bad...for the first time after i came back for my 3 months break...i was out practically the whole day...while i was out...felt dizzy and felt like vomiting...the cough also kinda got worst...in short...haze=bad health....

good news 2
R2G sketch is done...finally got it finalise with the holes patched up and relating it to the theme too...was worried and a little upset that somehow..everyone couldnt get along to agree with it...so..i said a simple prayer that He'll give me some ideas in the morning...and He did...the first thing i thought of when i woke up this morning was the explaination for the sketch...still lying down in my bed...the idea of how to fill up the holes just came...everything just flowed form my mind...and it's all praise to Him...it's the Holy Spirit's leading i can testify to this...many people didnt understood the sketch and what the writer of the script meant in the sketch...i was the only who sort of understood it...and by His ways...finally i got to somehow clear that mess...thank You, Lord!!

good news 3
hmm...feel excited for a special someone on his plan to design shirts and sell it to peeps...and the money that he earns...is going into his church to buy land and extend His kingdom on earth...he designs ambigram...ambigram??? you might ask...well...do a google or yahoo search on it and find out yourself...^.^

so...that's all for today....need to wake up early for church...goodnight peeps...have a blessed week...

- nightmare that i understood -

what a scary nightmare that i had last night...actually..the nightmare wasnt that scary...but the point that i understood it and i could interpret the nightmare is SCARY. i couldnt sleep last night..was lying on my bed, having my mind wondering away, thinking bout something....and before i realised it...i was dreaming a horrible dream that someone i love (cant remember who is was)...in fact, everyone that i love..became bats and vampires...and this one person who became a bat...actually flew to and bite me at my neck...and i could still remember that it was so 'gelifying'...the feel of the 'skin' and the bite made me gasping for air...then, i woke up gasping for air too with ruffy's mouth at my neck...yeah..that part was funny...having my doggy's mouth just at the part where the 'bat' bite me...

the point it...I UNDERSTOOD THE DREAM!! not exactly understood it but i could interpret it...it's like everyone around me...seems perfect at first...but at the end...they all just so not perfect and still have sins controlling them...and that someone i love who turn into a bat is like the devil...who knew my weak point...and attacked it...till i was gasping for air...and it already did happen...which made me wonder...what is He trying to tell me?? that He sent those peeps that i love to attack me?? what ever for? they cant be working for satan, right? how is it then that He puts trials and temptations into our life? how does it relate to satan being the person behind those attacks? in the bible, there is a verse bout Him not putting us into temptations that we cant bear, and that He'll provide a way out when we fall into it, right? how does that make sense? perhaps i'm just crapping bout this...feeling kind of confused since the nightmare...couldnt really sleep after that...

it's my turn to wonder now why is it that He made the plans go so well at first, then all of a sudden...the plan just went headwire...like what a cf peep said in her blog...reasons that dreams fall apart...sweet dreams and nightmares just have to come together. nightmares that destroy the dreams and crush a person down whether physically, emotionally or spiritually. and in the bible, we go through such trials and happenings to encourage some other person who may be going through it..to share our testimony to them...that's why He allow us to go through such rough times...but i still dont get it...wait..i do get it...too much head knowledge is no good at all...it's the heart knowledge that makes us grow..unfortunately...i dont have the heart knowledge to fully understand all this...argh...crapping again...in a confused state now perhaps...sign of i'd better stop typing... ^.^

- itchy fingers -

it's day 16 with 15 days left...my fingers has been itching a lot lately...but today is the worst...the itch has becomed..hmm....an urge to not bother bout the fast and just jam...it's really boring today...have nothing to do...read all the comic books, not in the mood for movies...I JUST WANT TO JAM. i have to admit though that i did play some other games to replace o2jam..games like spider, dynomite, minesweeper, etc..but not music games...not even audition or sdo or o2jam...even o2mania which i can play on my lappy. gee...15 days more is so so long...can i be patient and go through this discipline?? whether i can be patient or not...I MUST GO ON AND FIGHT THIS URGE...not going to give up when i'm half way through this fast...it's not easy at all...but I'M SERIOUS...I MEAN BUSINESS, LORD...i want to intercede for those peeps in my life...

enough of jamming...the days are getting so unpredictable...not sure what to expect every day...every day is a new day, with new challenges, new hope, new odyssey...that is what makes this odyssey interesting although can be quite painful....dont you think so too?

well...today, a friend from the past came to my house in the morning to use the comp...i'm glad that it went well..things didnt get out of control...we watched those canon in d videos and some other ones which made us laugh so much...didnt had lunch too..wait...i did...guess what i had? peanut butter...^.^ and amazingly...i'm not hungry at all...chatted with keenkeen and tan jo-n from cf to discuss an up-coming event in utar...praying that dsa will approve with our proposal...and just before i decided to blog...i was actually READING MY PSYCHOLOGY BOOK and DOING RESEARCH ON SIGMUND FREUD...haha...cant believe i'm actually doing that...then as i was doing the research..decided to blog...so..here i am... ^.^

hmm...anyone have any ideas of getting rm1500 in a week besides borrowing from peeps?? need it to help someone...but should i help that someone? i can only wonder with that question...

oh yeah...will be up in pj tomorrow with my younger sis, yen, my mum and my aunt(maybe)...bringing them for shopping...and to settle some things with my tenant and apartment mates....and of course...to see someone too... ^.^ will be back on wednesday evening...will update then again...so..till then...hopefully i wont break fast so early....

- another new beginning? -

is this going to be a new beginning for me? a new start in life? letting go of the past and start anew? leaving the hurts, the emotional baggages behind? laying it all down at His feet? without grabbing it back..but giving it all up to the Lord? am i able to do all that? to die to myself and let Christ live in me? that's me that i've been looking for...a creation of my Father in heaven, having Jesus as my Saviour, and the Holy Spirit as my guidance in this life. having Him in my life is the most wonderful thing and having you as that special someone in my heart...i'll never leave you as long as He wants me to be... =)

i have found all of that in these few days...this blog may be new...but it's just a continuation from my previous blog. i had to delete the previous one because someone who reads it is being hurt by my post...somehow. not only hurt but discouraged spiritually...so...that's the reason why i had to set up a new blog, utar cf peeps....no more questions asked bout the reason ya? ^.^

anyway...there was lots i wanted to update early this morning actually. but lost the inspiration to write down my thoughts...cant focus at the moment...

one last thing i want to say to a certain someone that i'm so grateful to have in my life before i end this post...

feeling down, brings a frown

feeling up, brings 7-up

it's a choice, to feel up or down

but it's no choice, feeling happy

when you have Him

with you in your heart...