it's been almost 10 years since my maternal grandmother left...it's been almost 2 years since my cousin left...and it's been almost 1 year since my paternal grandfather left...and this year...the church caretaker left...
when i was in standard 4, my grandmother left. if i remember correctly...on the 23rd april...i went to school as usual...just when i arrived in school with my cousin, les, we met up with the other cousin of ours, cher...and they broke the news to me...i was stunned...speechless...just couldnt move...but i still had to go through the day...it was a weird day for me. before the dismissed bell rang, my mum and their mums came to collect us from school and headed to my grandmother's house where the coffin was. i was not allowed to see her body then. they had night services for a few days...and i remember..on the night before she was buried, i had an asthma attack, which made me rest inside her room. the next morning, i remember seeing tears from my mum's eyes...and somehow..it made me cry terribly..i was yelling too...and my dad had to control me. even on the bus to the cemetery, a distant cousin came to sat beside me to comfort me. my tears was still flowing then. when they buried her, i was numb.
at that time, i didnt really know what death was...but i was assured and still am that i will see her again in heaven as she accepted Christ before she left. ever since then, memories of her are always in my heart. i believe she is watching over us up in heaven, having a great time worshipping Him.
my cousin's leaving was due to an illness she had since she was young. had a growth or some sort in her brain. it is a miracle that she was able to survive till she was 20. her leaving was hard. i was never close to this cousin...we only saw each other during each chinese new year and that's it. she never did accepted Christ..and that was one thing i find it hard to accept. but that fact did not impacted me that badly. still...i was sad to lose a cousin to hell.
20th nov 2005...the day my grandfather left....the day of my parents anniversary...a day before my chemistry paper in stpm. it's still all clear to me. waking up that sunday morning with a bad feeling, i heard my mum telling my dad to call his mother as she sounded very anxious when she called the night before. she said my grandfather had difficulty in breathing. since my dad just came back from work, he was very tired which ended up with my mum nagging at him to go see my grandfather. i dressed up as fast as possible, hoping to follow my dad see my grandfather...but thanks to my mum...she did not allow me to go. in church during service, i was studying in the kids room. my sister came to sit beside me, wrote something on the buletin paper and let me read it. it said, ' ah gong passed away'...when i read that..i could still ask her...'you joking, right? she shaked her head...and i started crying...at that time, service just ended..i rushed to my mum and cried in her arms...i cried terribly till i was brought to the office to calm me down...it took quite some time to calm me down...my sisters and mum had tears in their eyes too..but i was wailing away somehow..with a regret in my heart. soon after that, we went to my grandmother's house. my grandfather's body was still there closed with a cloth. my dad's eyes was red..could see that he has been crying too...and for all my life...i have never seen my dad cry. it was the first time i saw his cry. tears still came out from my eyes frequently. just when i stop..it starts again. looking at his body...i could only stare at it and regret. during the funeral, my grandmother may look okay...but i know she missed him a lot. when she walked to the coffin there, she would keep asking my grandfather to wake up and come back to her side. my aunties will have to take her away from there. and the funeral went on while i was having my stpm. i even came out early from that chemistry test. i couldnt stay in the exam hall, with the mind blank, staring at the paper....still, with a regret inside my heart. he never did accepted Christ.
this year, just before i left for utar...the church caretaker left. uncle antony is his name. thank God he has accepted Christ way before he left. his leaving was a shock to me some how...he has been someone dear to me. always taking care of me, buying for me sweets back in kindergarten, always remind me not to drink cold drinks as i'm always coughing, keeps the best food for me during love feast..it was such a joy to have him in church. and now...he has left too.
death...what does it mean? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are gone? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are in hell?? how can one move on with that fact?? yes, it may lighten up the fire in them to spread the gospel more to their loved ones who are not saved...but what about those fire not being lightened up? is there a person to be blamed for it? how does one move on in life?? especially with the fact that their loved ones are in hell??
WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE??
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur...
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
what's it going to be??
the past...or the future....
the good...or the bad...
the cleaned...or the dirt...
the forgiveness...or the guilt...
the regrets...or the gratefulness...
the new...or the old....
the beginning...or the ending...
the desire...or the plan....
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur..
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
what's it going to be??
the thoughts...or the emotions...
the facts...or the lies...
the reality...or the dreams...
the lose...or the victory...
the giving up...or the moving on...
the ups...or the down...
the real...or the fake...
the imaginary...or the truth...
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur...
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
what's it going to be??
the right path...or the wrong path...
the world...or His kingdom...
the human...or the child...
the ordinary...or the extraordinary...
the common...or the rare...
the usual...or the unusual...
the cause...or the effect...
what's it going to be?
a struggle to choose...
some may be clear...
some are still in a blur...
the choice is mine...
the consequences are mine...
GOD PLEASE MAKE A WAY
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways I cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways I cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
BEWARE!!! AN EMO POST
a warning before you continue reading...if you are feeling down emotionally...DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER!!
at the moment, feeling emo to the top...not a smile on my face, not a positive thought, no joy, no peace...feeling emotionless, feeling low..deep in the valley, a frown on my face, no negative thoughts...just feeling numb to what's going around me recently.
with cf home...it's like a burden to me...it shouldnt be..but it is...probably because i never seeked Him for this matter...i dont know...i just find it a burden at the moment. not knowing what to decide...not knowing what to do...trying to please other peeps more than pleasing Him...it is a burden that i want to lay down at the altar.
the hands are trying to control itself from slapping a face belonging to someone so dear to me...the heart hurts for her...wanting to see her live a good life. at one hand, i want to give up on her...on the other hand, i'm not willing to give up. i still want to fight through it with her how ever disappointing i may get, how ever pissed off i may get, how ever much trouble she brings to me...i still love her like my own sister.
the heart is still hurt, yet the mind wonders how life is for that certain someone. the mind..trying to put the past as the past, and thinks of the future..yet, it still wonders to the past that hurted the heart. letting go is hard...looking to the future is hard...nothing comes easy.
looking down on my leg where the scars are still visible, the nightmare reappears. a nightmare to avoid? or a nightmare to face? a nightmare i never want to have, a nightmare i want to forget...but it just wont leave. it still haunts me. it affects my life up till today. and i hate it so much because it affects something and someone i cherish a lot in my life.
walk with Him?? i dont know what to say bout that...i feel as though there's something wrong with it...but not sure what...it's like..in good times, i do think of Him, i praise Him, i thank Him, etc...in bad times, of course i go to Him as well seeking for guidance..but it still feels not right...of course i'm not the person to decide whether it's right or not...it's just a feeling after all....
okie...i'm starting to crap now...just not in the mood for anything. had to get all these thoughts, these burdens, these what ever you call it out....it still doesnt make any difference though...gee...what the heck...
at the moment, feeling emo to the top...not a smile on my face, not a positive thought, no joy, no peace...feeling emotionless, feeling low..deep in the valley, a frown on my face, no negative thoughts...just feeling numb to what's going around me recently.
with cf home...it's like a burden to me...it shouldnt be..but it is...probably because i never seeked Him for this matter...i dont know...i just find it a burden at the moment. not knowing what to decide...not knowing what to do...trying to please other peeps more than pleasing Him...it is a burden that i want to lay down at the altar.
the hands are trying to control itself from slapping a face belonging to someone so dear to me...the heart hurts for her...wanting to see her live a good life. at one hand, i want to give up on her...on the other hand, i'm not willing to give up. i still want to fight through it with her how ever disappointing i may get, how ever pissed off i may get, how ever much trouble she brings to me...i still love her like my own sister.
the heart is still hurt, yet the mind wonders how life is for that certain someone. the mind..trying to put the past as the past, and thinks of the future..yet, it still wonders to the past that hurted the heart. letting go is hard...looking to the future is hard...nothing comes easy.
looking down on my leg where the scars are still visible, the nightmare reappears. a nightmare to avoid? or a nightmare to face? a nightmare i never want to have, a nightmare i want to forget...but it just wont leave. it still haunts me. it affects my life up till today. and i hate it so much because it affects something and someone i cherish a lot in my life.
walk with Him?? i dont know what to say bout that...i feel as though there's something wrong with it...but not sure what...it's like..in good times, i do think of Him, i praise Him, i thank Him, etc...in bad times, of course i go to Him as well seeking for guidance..but it still feels not right...of course i'm not the person to decide whether it's right or not...it's just a feeling after all....
okie...i'm starting to crap now...just not in the mood for anything. had to get all these thoughts, these burdens, these what ever you call it out....it still doesnt make any difference though...gee...what the heck...
i love children
kids..children..toddlers...young peeps...i love them...they are my passion...somehow...especially small kids and babies. it is a gift from Him to love them the way i do and to have that special care for them.
i wasnt taught how to handle them, i wasnt taught how to have a way with them, i wasnt taught how to cheer them up, etc...it's all from Him and Him alone that gave me this specialty.
since young, i have my ways with kids. back in primary school, in church, me and a guy friend, david, we used to 'fight' for this small boy named matthew. every sunday, we'd be fighting to play with him, to take care of him, etc. had so much fun then. it brings so much joy to me to see matthew grow up.
now, matthew is in form 2...next year will be in form 3..to see how tall and how mature he has grown..i can only wonder how wonderful God creates humans. it is so amazing and it is such a miracle when a woman conceives. it is indeed a gift from Him to be able to give birth to a child and bringing up the child with love and care.
this talent with kids...prayerfully i will not put it to waste. that's partly one of the reason i took up psychology...to major in child psychology. to bring them up, to know what's on their mind...to be able to shape them the way He wants them to be...most importantly...is to let them know that Jesus loves them from a very very young age.
today, in church, i actually put a child to sleep...she's a very hyperactive child..yet, i prayed that He'll help me put her to sleep...and hehe...He did answer my prayer...it's quite difficult putting her to sleep...and when she sleeps, she looks extremely adorable...even when peeps are disturbing her..she could still sleep...she even snores (i'm suprised at that). seeing her head resting upon my chest, it got me wondering...hmm...it's so nice to have my own kids...but to bring them up the right way...it's difficult.
yet, i believe He is still not done with me yet...i hope to have lots and lots of child of my own. not as in my very own...but other peep's child being just like my very own...how me and the other sunday school kids has been my sunday school teacher's kids...she takes us as her own as well...and it is a joy to her too.
personally, i dont mind how ever many children i'll have...i just pray that He'll prepare me for familyhood and parenthood with my life partner that He has planned for me. =)
i wasnt taught how to handle them, i wasnt taught how to have a way with them, i wasnt taught how to cheer them up, etc...it's all from Him and Him alone that gave me this specialty.
since young, i have my ways with kids. back in primary school, in church, me and a guy friend, david, we used to 'fight' for this small boy named matthew. every sunday, we'd be fighting to play with him, to take care of him, etc. had so much fun then. it brings so much joy to me to see matthew grow up.
now, matthew is in form 2...next year will be in form 3..to see how tall and how mature he has grown..i can only wonder how wonderful God creates humans. it is so amazing and it is such a miracle when a woman conceives. it is indeed a gift from Him to be able to give birth to a child and bringing up the child with love and care.
this talent with kids...prayerfully i will not put it to waste. that's partly one of the reason i took up psychology...to major in child psychology. to bring them up, to know what's on their mind...to be able to shape them the way He wants them to be...most importantly...is to let them know that Jesus loves them from a very very young age.
today, in church, i actually put a child to sleep...she's a very hyperactive child..yet, i prayed that He'll help me put her to sleep...and hehe...He did answer my prayer...it's quite difficult putting her to sleep...and when she sleeps, she looks extremely adorable...even when peeps are disturbing her..she could still sleep...she even snores (i'm suprised at that). seeing her head resting upon my chest, it got me wondering...hmm...it's so nice to have my own kids...but to bring them up the right way...it's difficult.
yet, i believe He is still not done with me yet...i hope to have lots and lots of child of my own. not as in my very own...but other peep's child being just like my very own...how me and the other sunday school kids has been my sunday school teacher's kids...she takes us as her own as well...and it is a joy to her too.
personally, i dont mind how ever many children i'll have...i just pray that He'll prepare me for familyhood and parenthood with my life partner that He has planned for me. =)
trip to kl 19/11 - 24/11
finally i'm back home in malacca after being in kl for almost a week...not that i didnt enjoy my trip to kl...er...maybe i did not at first...but yesterday and today...WAS the BEST 2 days for me during this trip up to kl.
there's just too many updates too jot down...guess i'll just do a summary of the important events or happenings during my kl trip this time minus the feelings and thoughts involved.
19 Nov
reached pudu quite late and it was raining super heavily. went to dewgem's house for practice. stayed over at my twin sister's place.
20 Nov
went to carrefour...did some price checking...met up with my godsister, jein and sk too for lunch near my dear's office...went to sunway pyramid with sk, jein and my twin sis...did price comparison at giant...got my twin sis to help me buy a few things...went to campus, meet up with david and dewgem, waited for bernard, and practiced again at dewgem's house. went back to my twin sis house to stay over.
21 Nov
went to my dear's office, left my bag in his car...went shopping again with my twin sis at carrefour...went our own way after that...she went back and i went to campus to check out a house in section 17...met up with david, dewgem, ernard and joshua at campus...waited for jessica too...then went to check the house out...a double storey terrace house, with 4 rooms and 2 bathrooms, bla bla bla....jess dropped me of campus, waited for my dear prince to picked me up, went to murni for dinner, saw my elder sister there (which was such a shock)...went to my dear prince's church to practice with bernard again while the prince has his star kids practice...went to stay over with jess at her uncle's apartment in kelana square...nice and comfortable place though.
22 Nov
'd' day of 'd' event...nothing much to say here...bout the event...somehow...i'm glad it's finally over...didnt turn out the way xjian and me expected to...but it was ok...after the event, had dinner with bernard, dewgem, david, sui li, jess and her cousin...had so much fun laughing...but kinda faked too in a way...didnt feel happy somehow...went back to jess uncle's apartment early...took my shower...hang out with jess watching some mtv a while...went to pack my things...and slept early.
23 Nov
you can read bout it at 'cj'. too tired to type out again..but it was the best day ever for this trip up to kl this time. enjoyed myself to the max just by spending time with my dear prince...something i've been looking forward to.
24 Nov
got up early, had oats for breakfast...thanks to someone's mum (ahem)...went to carrefour, supposedly to wait for my twin sis at starbucks to use the wireless, but it was udner renovation...so, took a cab to the starbucks in front of inti college..waited for my twin sister there...then when to her college and waited again for her to finish her test...walked to subang ktm, took to sentral, then onto putra to pasar seni, then on foot to pudu...with our heavy luggages....thank God we were in time for the bus though...we thought we'd be late...slept on the bus, came back, talked to my parents and elder sister a while...took a shower...went for dinner at my babysitter's house...and now...i'm here blogging....going to sleep a while more though...too tired to go on.
there's just too many updates too jot down...guess i'll just do a summary of the important events or happenings during my kl trip this time minus the feelings and thoughts involved.
19 Nov
reached pudu quite late and it was raining super heavily. went to dewgem's house for practice. stayed over at my twin sister's place.
20 Nov
went to carrefour...did some price checking...met up with my godsister, jein and sk too for lunch near my dear's office...went to sunway pyramid with sk, jein and my twin sis...did price comparison at giant...got my twin sis to help me buy a few things...went to campus, meet up with david and dewgem, waited for bernard, and practiced again at dewgem's house. went back to my twin sis house to stay over.
21 Nov
went to my dear's office, left my bag in his car...went shopping again with my twin sis at carrefour...went our own way after that...she went back and i went to campus to check out a house in section 17...met up with david, dewgem, ernard and joshua at campus...waited for jessica too...then went to check the house out...a double storey terrace house, with 4 rooms and 2 bathrooms, bla bla bla....jess dropped me of campus, waited for my dear prince to picked me up, went to murni for dinner, saw my elder sister there (which was such a shock)...went to my dear prince's church to practice with bernard again while the prince has his star kids practice...went to stay over with jess at her uncle's apartment in kelana square...nice and comfortable place though.
22 Nov
'd' day of 'd' event...nothing much to say here...bout the event...somehow...i'm glad it's finally over...didnt turn out the way xjian and me expected to...but it was ok...after the event, had dinner with bernard, dewgem, david, sui li, jess and her cousin...had so much fun laughing...but kinda faked too in a way...didnt feel happy somehow...went back to jess uncle's apartment early...took my shower...hang out with jess watching some mtv a while...went to pack my things...and slept early.
23 Nov
you can read bout it at 'cj'. too tired to type out again..but it was the best day ever for this trip up to kl this time. enjoyed myself to the max just by spending time with my dear prince...something i've been looking forward to.
24 Nov
got up early, had oats for breakfast...thanks to someone's mum (ahem)...went to carrefour, supposedly to wait for my twin sis at starbucks to use the wireless, but it was udner renovation...so, took a cab to the starbucks in front of inti college..waited for my twin sister there...then when to her college and waited again for her to finish her test...walked to subang ktm, took to sentral, then onto putra to pasar seni, then on foot to pudu...with our heavy luggages....thank God we were in time for the bus though...we thought we'd be late...slept on the bus, came back, talked to my parents and elder sister a while...took a shower...went for dinner at my babysitter's house...and now...i'm here blogging....going to sleep a while more though...too tired to go on.
discouraged but will persevere
here is a special post for xjian....
yes..we may be tired and discouraged...i am too...sick to the max in fact bout r2g...falling sick, almost not being able to come up for r2g, the time spent, the emotions, the prayers...i am very tired of it too...pulling me down as well at times...
BUT...it is because of Him, we can have this event. we may have expected 40 peeps to come...but when we count...the number seems to be way smaller than expected...but this is not our concern like my dear prince said...the number...is HIS concern...all that we can do is to do our best whether the number is big or small. after all, we are doing it for Him, right? i have to confess that i'm letting satan take control of my thoughts...that r2g is your work and my work...i want it to run smoothly because i want everyone to know that He is using me...the point is...it is NOT my work...but His...i'm just a vessel to help run this event...but my strength, the ideas, the plannings, everything in it...comes from Him...He is the head of r2g...not us...we are not the ones in charge of it....He is...
whether r2g will run smoothly or not....even if no one turns up...even if there's lots of extras food...even if we feel like we made a fool out of ourselves....let's leave it at the altar, k?? this is the time for us to just give our best, and leave the rest to Him....think you can do that, keen keen?? continue praying for each other k??
GOD IS NOT FINISH WITH US YET....HE IS NOT FINISHED WITH R2G EITHER....HAVE FAITH...IT IS FOR HIM WE ARE DOING THIS!!! =)
yes..we may be tired and discouraged...i am too...sick to the max in fact bout r2g...falling sick, almost not being able to come up for r2g, the time spent, the emotions, the prayers...i am very tired of it too...pulling me down as well at times...
BUT...it is because of Him, we can have this event. we may have expected 40 peeps to come...but when we count...the number seems to be way smaller than expected...but this is not our concern like my dear prince said...the number...is HIS concern...all that we can do is to do our best whether the number is big or small. after all, we are doing it for Him, right? i have to confess that i'm letting satan take control of my thoughts...that r2g is your work and my work...i want it to run smoothly because i want everyone to know that He is using me...the point is...it is NOT my work...but His...i'm just a vessel to help run this event...but my strength, the ideas, the plannings, everything in it...comes from Him...He is the head of r2g...not us...we are not the ones in charge of it....He is...
whether r2g will run smoothly or not....even if no one turns up...even if there's lots of extras food...even if we feel like we made a fool out of ourselves....let's leave it at the altar, k?? this is the time for us to just give our best, and leave the rest to Him....think you can do that, keen keen?? continue praying for each other k??
GOD IS NOT FINISH WITH US YET....HE IS NOT FINISHED WITH R2G EITHER....HAVE FAITH...IT IS FOR HIM WE ARE DOING THIS!!! =)
agape care
today has been a some sort of exciting day for me...not forgetting a tiring one too. woke up early to go help out in a charity fair in bukit beruang. had fun helping out in the jumble sale...bought 2 nice skirts, a bag, a dress and something for my dear too.
the tiring part is that i stood for almost 6hours without sitting. and i ate some noodle that lasted me from morning till night...got scolded from dad though for not eating properly.. ^.^
oh yeah...i saw my kindergarten school headmistress there...it's been a long time since i left kindergarten that i saw her....up till today, she still look the same...look still quite young... ^.^
well...i'm starting to be sick now...was in the rain just now...guess i got a chill...and probably might get a fever too...but i MUST hang on...cant fall sick now...not the time to fall sick...
and yeah..i'll be up in kl tomorrow till friday...wont be able to come online that much...but when i can...i will update bout my odyssey....till then...adios...*mind going blur and crappy*
the tiring part is that i stood for almost 6hours without sitting. and i ate some noodle that lasted me from morning till night...got scolded from dad though for not eating properly.. ^.^
oh yeah...i saw my kindergarten school headmistress there...it's been a long time since i left kindergarten that i saw her....up till today, she still look the same...look still quite young... ^.^
well...i'm starting to be sick now...was in the rain just now...guess i got a chill...and probably might get a fever too...but i MUST hang on...cant fall sick now...not the time to fall sick...
and yeah..i'll be up in kl tomorrow till friday...wont be able to come online that much...but when i can...i will update bout my odyssey....till then...adios...*mind going blur and crappy*
over worrying & over friendly
never have i felt what i'm feeling right now as i'm typing this and listening to the background music on my blog for a very long time. what do i feel?? it's hard to describe...a sense of peace, joy, gratefulness, happy, contented...in spite of the worries i have had today.
i do worry a lot as many peeps tell me...and most of the time...i worry for nothing..that's how satan controls me in a way...when i worry, i sometimes forget to trust Him as the description on my blog says. proverbs 3:5&6 is my all time favourite verse. it comforts me during spm, stpm, my grandpa's death, the 'betrayal' with my twin sis, etc...that verse is what keeps me going...to trust Him in everything that i do...
one thing bout me that i have always wondered which i have not yet found the answer...and if i'm not wrong..i have posted this many times in all my blogs...why is that i'm so friendly in a way?? especially with guys. i dont understand the reason why i'm so 'attractive' to guys...not attractive in the sense that i'm pretty or smart...but in the sense i'm so outgoing...some guys would say that i flirt...some guys actually call me playgirl...some even did say that i'm cheap before...
it is a burden to me at most times because of this outgoing character of mine. i tend to give guys the wrong signal and they start tackling me thinking that i like them too. but somehow...He will turn their liking for me into something good...something wonderful...
back in form 6, i had a few guys who tackled me...some were brothers in Christ, some weren't. in lower 6, i had this senior, daniel, who was sort of guiding me in form 6...he is a weird kind, the nerd (what most peeps would call him). he is smart and hardworking too...currently under jpa scholarship in japan. i still remember that he stalked me once...i used to call him my stalker...things between us got really bad and serious one day till his mum knew, our cf teacher knew...it was really bad. and the worst was...he couldnt study for his stpm because of me. i didnt hate him at all though...i just got freaked out. this year, he called me all the way from japan. and we sort of patch up. he asked for forgiveness and so did i. he is special to me in a way that God used me to impact his live. i didnt know how up till today...how did i impact him. he's now growing closer to God each day, trusting Him to take care of his studies and his stress. that's one thing i thank God for. from a terrible history, to a miracle future...
then in upper 6, a guy my age, andrew, sort of tackled me too. we were in the prefectorial board together. although he was a prefect, he's one of those michievous type. always finding for trouble but being able to get out of it. he said he was christian then...but had some 'complications'. he only attended cf once in a blue moon when i invite him. but that's the past. he did confess his feelings to me before and asked for a relationship, but i rejected. and he was embarassed with it till he kind of stop talking to me...in short...avoid me. but i still said hie and treat him as a friend as i've always did. and soon, he also did the same...and the friendship between us...is a wonderful one. he shares his stories with me and seeks advice when he needs it. the miracle part is...he became a true christian and was baptised in august. and now, he's studying in inti nilai, attending a cg there, and not only attending..but being active in it too...he is definitely growing spiritually...and i'm so happy for him...
in short, He used those 2 complicated friendship back then in form 6 and turned into something beautiful. keeps me wondering...will cs be like that too?? all this guys that i rejected, i have prayed for them when i reject them...and God did answer my prayer by taking care of them. it is my prayer too that God will take care of him too.
hmm...my dear prince's mum knows bout us already...and haha...she said the same thing as what my mum said to me today....'you go uni study or find girlfriend/boyfriend?'....not that they reject or what...but for my mum...i know she said it as a word of advice. that i will not get distracted in my studies. well...it is my prayer that he wont distract me from serving Him and i am glad to say...he's not distracting me...in fact, he encourages me...and i pray i will do the same for him too...to encourage him to do his best and support him within my ability...
thank You, Lord, for sending all these peeps to me, to show me that you are real through them. thank You for this character too that i can mix around with all sorts of peeps. i pray that i will know how to use this 'talent' for Your kingdom.
i do worry a lot as many peeps tell me...and most of the time...i worry for nothing..that's how satan controls me in a way...when i worry, i sometimes forget to trust Him as the description on my blog says. proverbs 3:5&6 is my all time favourite verse. it comforts me during spm, stpm, my grandpa's death, the 'betrayal' with my twin sis, etc...that verse is what keeps me going...to trust Him in everything that i do...
one thing bout me that i have always wondered which i have not yet found the answer...and if i'm not wrong..i have posted this many times in all my blogs...why is that i'm so friendly in a way?? especially with guys. i dont understand the reason why i'm so 'attractive' to guys...not attractive in the sense that i'm pretty or smart...but in the sense i'm so outgoing...some guys would say that i flirt...some guys actually call me playgirl...some even did say that i'm cheap before...
it is a burden to me at most times because of this outgoing character of mine. i tend to give guys the wrong signal and they start tackling me thinking that i like them too. but somehow...He will turn their liking for me into something good...something wonderful...
back in form 6, i had a few guys who tackled me...some were brothers in Christ, some weren't. in lower 6, i had this senior, daniel, who was sort of guiding me in form 6...he is a weird kind, the nerd (what most peeps would call him). he is smart and hardworking too...currently under jpa scholarship in japan. i still remember that he stalked me once...i used to call him my stalker...things between us got really bad and serious one day till his mum knew, our cf teacher knew...it was really bad. and the worst was...he couldnt study for his stpm because of me. i didnt hate him at all though...i just got freaked out. this year, he called me all the way from japan. and we sort of patch up. he asked for forgiveness and so did i. he is special to me in a way that God used me to impact his live. i didnt know how up till today...how did i impact him. he's now growing closer to God each day, trusting Him to take care of his studies and his stress. that's one thing i thank God for. from a terrible history, to a miracle future...
then in upper 6, a guy my age, andrew, sort of tackled me too. we were in the prefectorial board together. although he was a prefect, he's one of those michievous type. always finding for trouble but being able to get out of it. he said he was christian then...but had some 'complications'. he only attended cf once in a blue moon when i invite him. but that's the past. he did confess his feelings to me before and asked for a relationship, but i rejected. and he was embarassed with it till he kind of stop talking to me...in short...avoid me. but i still said hie and treat him as a friend as i've always did. and soon, he also did the same...and the friendship between us...is a wonderful one. he shares his stories with me and seeks advice when he needs it. the miracle part is...he became a true christian and was baptised in august. and now, he's studying in inti nilai, attending a cg there, and not only attending..but being active in it too...he is definitely growing spiritually...and i'm so happy for him...
in short, He used those 2 complicated friendship back then in form 6 and turned into something beautiful. keeps me wondering...will cs be like that too?? all this guys that i rejected, i have prayed for them when i reject them...and God did answer my prayer by taking care of them. it is my prayer too that God will take care of him too.
hmm...my dear prince's mum knows bout us already...and haha...she said the same thing as what my mum said to me today....'you go uni study or find girlfriend/boyfriend?'....not that they reject or what...but for my mum...i know she said it as a word of advice. that i will not get distracted in my studies. well...it is my prayer that he wont distract me from serving Him and i am glad to say...he's not distracting me...in fact, he encourages me...and i pray i will do the same for him too...to encourage him to do his best and support him within my ability...
thank You, Lord, for sending all these peeps to me, to show me that you are real through them. thank You for this character too that i can mix around with all sorts of peeps. i pray that i will know how to use this 'talent' for Your kingdom.
= my twin sister ( I ) =
been inspired to type a post bout my twin sister who seems to be so dear to me throughout my life...
kerrina is her name..but i call her kerry...and she calls me junie (only she is allowed to call me that). borned on the 10th of december in the year 1986. met her in kindergarten, not that we were in the same kindergarten...but we were sitting the same school bus...uncle toon's bus that's what we called it then. cant exactly rememeber how we became friends...but back then, when we were in the bus, being the naughty kids...we would be playing at the back of the bus making lots and lots of noise. at that time, we didnt care where they came from, how they look, etc...all we wanted was just to have fun no matter with who...as long as we had 'friends' to play with...
after kindergarten, we were in the same primary school, convent infant jesus 1. we were in the same class throughout primary school if i'm not wrong. we became really good friends then. at that time...we were still sitting uncle toon's bus...and i still remember so clearly (something that we still can talk about till now)...there was a day that i didnt get down the bus after school to my babysitter's house...i hid behind the seats of the bus...instead...i got down at kerry's house...when i was at her house only then did i call my babysitter to inform her where i was...we were really mischievous back then.
we were also sent to the last class in primary 3 simply because we didnt do our homework...had to stay in that class till the homework was done...had to skip recess too. then in primary 6, we had extra classes after school. there was this one time, before bm extra class, the both of us with our gang of friends were playing at the back of the school. we forgot the time and went to class late. but we got punished to stand outside the class and our teacher made us sing 'negaraku'. gee...we hated that teacher since then...
we werent that close yet in primary school...we were just friends...no special bond of that sort...not till secondary school. the beginning of secondary school, we were quite apart for a few years. that is because we were in different class..still same school though, infant jesus convent. in form 1, we were still ok...but we drifted apart till end of form 4. thanks to melissa ( our common friend ), we got back closer together. together with amanda, melissa, glendon, bryan and us..we formed the 'gmbaak'...but then the guys and girls had a conflict and soon splitted up...and a new bond is form...'soul sistaz'..up till today...although the four of us still keep in touch, the bond isnt that strong any longer...but not for me and kerry...our bond is still as special and even closer than before.
the best schooling years with her will be in form 5. spm year...which we both fooled around so much. we played truant in class, didnt do our homework ( since primary we dont do care much of our homework )...we tell lies to teachers. lots happened back then...it was the most exciting and happening schooling year for me. i'll post a special post just on our form 5 year next...till then...i cant go on much as everything is related... ^.^
kerrina is her name..but i call her kerry...and she calls me junie (only she is allowed to call me that). borned on the 10th of december in the year 1986. met her in kindergarten, not that we were in the same kindergarten...but we were sitting the same school bus...uncle toon's bus that's what we called it then. cant exactly rememeber how we became friends...but back then, when we were in the bus, being the naughty kids...we would be playing at the back of the bus making lots and lots of noise. at that time, we didnt care where they came from, how they look, etc...all we wanted was just to have fun no matter with who...as long as we had 'friends' to play with...
after kindergarten, we were in the same primary school, convent infant jesus 1. we were in the same class throughout primary school if i'm not wrong. we became really good friends then. at that time...we were still sitting uncle toon's bus...and i still remember so clearly (something that we still can talk about till now)...there was a day that i didnt get down the bus after school to my babysitter's house...i hid behind the seats of the bus...instead...i got down at kerry's house...when i was at her house only then did i call my babysitter to inform her where i was...we were really mischievous back then.
we were also sent to the last class in primary 3 simply because we didnt do our homework...had to stay in that class till the homework was done...had to skip recess too. then in primary 6, we had extra classes after school. there was this one time, before bm extra class, the both of us with our gang of friends were playing at the back of the school. we forgot the time and went to class late. but we got punished to stand outside the class and our teacher made us sing 'negaraku'. gee...we hated that teacher since then...
we werent that close yet in primary school...we were just friends...no special bond of that sort...not till secondary school. the beginning of secondary school, we were quite apart for a few years. that is because we were in different class..still same school though, infant jesus convent. in form 1, we were still ok...but we drifted apart till end of form 4. thanks to melissa ( our common friend ), we got back closer together. together with amanda, melissa, glendon, bryan and us..we formed the 'gmbaak'...but then the guys and girls had a conflict and soon splitted up...and a new bond is form...'soul sistaz'..up till today...although the four of us still keep in touch, the bond isnt that strong any longer...but not for me and kerry...our bond is still as special and even closer than before.
the best schooling years with her will be in form 5. spm year...which we both fooled around so much. we played truant in class, didnt do our homework ( since primary we dont do care much of our homework )...we tell lies to teachers. lots happened back then...it was the most exciting and happening schooling year for me. i'll post a special post just on our form 5 year next...till then...i cant go on much as everything is related... ^.^
- refreshing process -
got up early this morning with an uneasy feeling inside. couldn't figure why the uneasy feeling. but as the day pass by, i soon found out why.
first, my dear prince wasn't in the mood today...one of his emo day...when we were friends, i understood him, i would leave him alone to cool down...but now that i'm with him, i worry...why is that so?? why the sudden change??
somehow, his emo day made my day emo too...not really emo but just felt that everything isn't right...yet, i still trust Him.
as i'm online in the afternoon, my twin sister came to chat with me. just the other day...she gave me 2 good news...i was extremely happy bout it. but then, problem just had to come up again. and while i was driving to church for youth prayer meeting, she called...talked to her while i was driving...and another disappointment...anger inside too...wanting to help, yet it's way beyond my limits...the funny part was that...all this years, i've been praying for her...but i dont know why, i messaged her asking for permission to pray for her..this was what i sent to her...
-----> Hang in there, girl...will be praying for you..you let one right?? now only ask you.. ^.^
somehow...i felt that i should let her know i'm praying for her...probably it's the Holy Spirit's prompting..come to think bout it now...i sense that the day Heaven will be celebrating her salvation is coming soon...i'll continue to pray for her and have faith that she will soon not only be my twin sister...but be my sister in Christ too...because of Him..we'll be a family...and no one can ever break that bond between us... =)
speaking bout youth prayer meeting...i have to admit that i didn't want to go today...was trying to find an excuse not to go...tried calling tsyr tsyr ( the other girl with me )...but couldnt get her..and i usually fetch her from tuition..so, in the end had to go...it didnt go as plan...in the sense that we didn't follow the prayer item...but i have to say that..it is His plan for me to go whether i feel like it or not...i feel blessed and encouraged by her...got refreshed too by the Holy Spirit...in a way that the passion and strength renewed...
came back from youth, called my dear prince...supposed to be a serious talk...but hmm...he's back to normal...so...it's ok...just talking to him for that few minutes...gave me extra strength... ^.^ guess it's all part of His plan for me to have that uneasy feeling to realise a few things and gaining back that passion for Him...
therefore...it is indeed a refreshing time...but it's not done...that's why my blog title is refreshing process...i may feel tired, i may feel fed up, i may feel like giving up, i may feel bored of it...but it is by His grace that i can go on with it withough giving up, gaining strength from him, and finding joy at the same to serve Him....
after all.... GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET!!! =)
first, my dear prince wasn't in the mood today...one of his emo day...when we were friends, i understood him, i would leave him alone to cool down...but now that i'm with him, i worry...why is that so?? why the sudden change??
somehow, his emo day made my day emo too...not really emo but just felt that everything isn't right...yet, i still trust Him.
as i'm online in the afternoon, my twin sister came to chat with me. just the other day...she gave me 2 good news...i was extremely happy bout it. but then, problem just had to come up again. and while i was driving to church for youth prayer meeting, she called...talked to her while i was driving...and another disappointment...anger inside too...wanting to help, yet it's way beyond my limits...the funny part was that...all this years, i've been praying for her...but i dont know why, i messaged her asking for permission to pray for her..this was what i sent to her...
-----> Hang in there, girl...will be praying for you..you let one right?? now only ask you.. ^.^
somehow...i felt that i should let her know i'm praying for her...probably it's the Holy Spirit's prompting..come to think bout it now...i sense that the day Heaven will be celebrating her salvation is coming soon...i'll continue to pray for her and have faith that she will soon not only be my twin sister...but be my sister in Christ too...because of Him..we'll be a family...and no one can ever break that bond between us... =)
speaking bout youth prayer meeting...i have to admit that i didn't want to go today...was trying to find an excuse not to go...tried calling tsyr tsyr ( the other girl with me )...but couldnt get her..and i usually fetch her from tuition..so, in the end had to go...it didnt go as plan...in the sense that we didn't follow the prayer item...but i have to say that..it is His plan for me to go whether i feel like it or not...i feel blessed and encouraged by her...got refreshed too by the Holy Spirit...in a way that the passion and strength renewed...
came back from youth, called my dear prince...supposed to be a serious talk...but hmm...he's back to normal...so...it's ok...just talking to him for that few minutes...gave me extra strength... ^.^ guess it's all part of His plan for me to have that uneasy feeling to realise a few things and gaining back that passion for Him...
therefore...it is indeed a refreshing time...but it's not done...that's why my blog title is refreshing process...i may feel tired, i may feel fed up, i may feel like giving up, i may feel bored of it...but it is by His grace that i can go on with it withough giving up, gaining strength from him, and finding joy at the same to serve Him....
after all.... GOD IS NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET!!! =)
- useless for no reason?? or with a reason?? -
i wonder...
is being useless part of His plan for us??
to get peeps pissed off to learn something?
or for us to learn something??
is there a reason for being useless??
for being unwanted in a family?
for being lonely in spite of the crowd around us?
is there a reason for everything?
we always associate the good with God....
and the bad with satan...
but from what i read...
God allows bad things to happen to us for a reason...
just like job...
He allowed satan to take away his belongings and all...
yet,
job still praise God in spite of his loss...
can i do that??
when i lose the peeps that i love,
when i lose the things that i cherish,
will i still be faithful to Him?
will i still be grateful to Him??
is it His plan?
for us to be that useless person?
or is it just a feeling that we are useless?
when in actual truth,
we are not useless...
just that the feelings of it...
what is real?
and what is fake?
life is like a roller coster indeed...
it has it's ups and downs...
the thrill of it is just so...
exciting...
but,
why cant we anticipate
the ups and downs of our life
like riding a roller coster??
to enjoy His plan for us?
may it be good or bad??
i can only wonder.....
is being useless part of His plan for us??
to get peeps pissed off to learn something?
or for us to learn something??
is there a reason for being useless??
for being unwanted in a family?
for being lonely in spite of the crowd around us?
is there a reason for everything?
we always associate the good with God....
and the bad with satan...
but from what i read...
God allows bad things to happen to us for a reason...
just like job...
He allowed satan to take away his belongings and all...
yet,
job still praise God in spite of his loss...
can i do that??
when i lose the peeps that i love,
when i lose the things that i cherish,
will i still be faithful to Him?
will i still be grateful to Him??
is it His plan?
for us to be that useless person?
or is it just a feeling that we are useless?
when in actual truth,
we are not useless...
just that the feelings of it...
what is real?
and what is fake?
life is like a roller coster indeed...
it has it's ups and downs...
the thrill of it is just so...
exciting...
but,
why cant we anticipate
the ups and downs of our life
like riding a roller coster??
to enjoy His plan for us?
may it be good or bad??
i can only wonder.....
- lost -
LOST... that's exactly how i feel at the moment...not knowing where i'm heading, what i'm doing, where is all this bringing me to...it seems to be going back to square one...the past that i thought i will never meddle in again has reappeared...anger rising inside of me, yet trying to control it...the guilt inside that depresses me...the decisions to make that will affect me and other party for a lifetime...what's real and what's fake? that question all over again.
just like keen keen and i were chatting earlier...we are expected so much of who we are not...we want to be that person whom we are...but that person whom we are now, is not exactly who we are...there's always a constant struggle going inside of us...i like what those cartoons show, bout when there's an angel on one side of your shoulder asking you to do the good things, and on the side of the shoulders is the devil telling you it's ok to break the rules...that's what life is for me now...a side that says to do this..and another side that says to do the opposite...who will win? the good? the bad? how do you define good and bad? who defines good and bad? God? of course it's Him..but not to the world...the world's standard is way opposite from His standards....whom do i choose to follow? i'd definitely want to follow Him..but am i??
here's an answer for keen keen bout what we were chatting...bout being psycho or not...the same bout being ordinary or extraordinary....and even being natural or supernatural...the point is...from whose view do we define those words? in the world, going all out for Him may seem a psychotic thing to do...but in His kingdom, it's not a psychotic thing...the same bout being ordinary or extraordinary...or another word for it...normal or abnormal...being joyful all the time, being so 'holy', may not be normal in this world...but in His kingdom, that's what He wants us to be...what bout natural and supernatural...gaining strength from God may seem weird and supernatural to the world...but in His kingdom, it's not...it's only natural for us, His children, to constantly asking for strength from our Father in Heaven...so...how can one define those words?? those words in the dictionary are being defined by people in this world...they have the world point of view, what the peeps want...but not what He wants...it may sound complicated..but it's actually simple...
to be like Jesus is what we should strive...but if it is done without love...it's pointless...so does everything...the core of everything that we do should be because of love...after all..because of His love for us, He sent Jesus to die, didn't He? it's all because of love...and we can never fully understand His love from our human mind...it's something that we ourselves have to personally experience this love we call...AGAPE LOVE...
and why do i still feel lost?? everything that has been happening lately is making me more lost than ever...not wondering...but LOST...i just wish i could disappear from this world...or perhaps...to be with Him right now...not having any worries, no feeling of being lost..no hurting peeps heart...not getting myself hurt...yet...i know deep beneath my heart...that i still have Jesus who puts the joy in me in spite of what's going on...weird right?? in a way?? i guess that's what every brothers and sisters in Christ of mine goes through, am i right??
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for the next paragraph..it's for the person i hate yet still love...
you were the one who brought me to your family, making us have that special bond...a bond that i cherish even after all that has happened. you did make me happy, but you also made me very sad. you made me smile and laugh, but you also made my heart cry and wounded. i used to love being hugged by you, but now...i feel uncomfortable when other peeps touch me because of the way you used to touched me. you said your heart hurts because i didnt tell you earlier of what happened to your sister...but did you know how hurt i was when your sister told me what happened? did you know how many nights i cried for her? you said your heart hurts when your mum is sad...but did you know what i had to go through to talk to your mum bout the thing that disappoints her? you made me promise to your little sister that i'd go your house often...and now...i have to break that promise. did you know that your sister threatens me too? did you know the trouble i had to go through to help that sister of yours? even to the point i got scolded terribly from my mum and sisters? to the point that i almost met with an accident just to transfer money to her? to the point that i asked help from peeps who know what to do?? you ask me not to disturb your family ever again, which is what i'm doing now...but do you know how much i want to know what is happening in your family? even your sister asked me to stay away from your family...but is it all my fault?? do you know that i still care??? i'm not complaining or putting blame although i may sound like i am...but all i'm asking is to be appreciated and to be informed of what's happening. i wish i could just get your whole family out of my mind and life..but i cant...i still care...i may hate you so much...but i still care...you may scold me how ever terrible you want...but i still care...you may have hurt me till i'm wounded...but i still care...i still care because Jesus cares...
just like keen keen and i were chatting earlier...we are expected so much of who we are not...we want to be that person whom we are...but that person whom we are now, is not exactly who we are...there's always a constant struggle going inside of us...i like what those cartoons show, bout when there's an angel on one side of your shoulder asking you to do the good things, and on the side of the shoulders is the devil telling you it's ok to break the rules...that's what life is for me now...a side that says to do this..and another side that says to do the opposite...who will win? the good? the bad? how do you define good and bad? who defines good and bad? God? of course it's Him..but not to the world...the world's standard is way opposite from His standards....whom do i choose to follow? i'd definitely want to follow Him..but am i??
here's an answer for keen keen bout what we were chatting...bout being psycho or not...the same bout being ordinary or extraordinary....and even being natural or supernatural...the point is...from whose view do we define those words? in the world, going all out for Him may seem a psychotic thing to do...but in His kingdom, it's not a psychotic thing...the same bout being ordinary or extraordinary...or another word for it...normal or abnormal...being joyful all the time, being so 'holy', may not be normal in this world...but in His kingdom, that's what He wants us to be...what bout natural and supernatural...gaining strength from God may seem weird and supernatural to the world...but in His kingdom, it's not...it's only natural for us, His children, to constantly asking for strength from our Father in Heaven...so...how can one define those words?? those words in the dictionary are being defined by people in this world...they have the world point of view, what the peeps want...but not what He wants...it may sound complicated..but it's actually simple...
to be like Jesus is what we should strive...but if it is done without love...it's pointless...so does everything...the core of everything that we do should be because of love...after all..because of His love for us, He sent Jesus to die, didn't He? it's all because of love...and we can never fully understand His love from our human mind...it's something that we ourselves have to personally experience this love we call...AGAPE LOVE...
and why do i still feel lost?? everything that has been happening lately is making me more lost than ever...not wondering...but LOST...i just wish i could disappear from this world...or perhaps...to be with Him right now...not having any worries, no feeling of being lost..no hurting peeps heart...not getting myself hurt...yet...i know deep beneath my heart...that i still have Jesus who puts the joy in me in spite of what's going on...weird right?? in a way?? i guess that's what every brothers and sisters in Christ of mine goes through, am i right??
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for the next paragraph..it's for the person i hate yet still love...
you were the one who brought me to your family, making us have that special bond...a bond that i cherish even after all that has happened. you did make me happy, but you also made me very sad. you made me smile and laugh, but you also made my heart cry and wounded. i used to love being hugged by you, but now...i feel uncomfortable when other peeps touch me because of the way you used to touched me. you said your heart hurts because i didnt tell you earlier of what happened to your sister...but did you know how hurt i was when your sister told me what happened? did you know how many nights i cried for her? you said your heart hurts when your mum is sad...but did you know what i had to go through to talk to your mum bout the thing that disappoints her? you made me promise to your little sister that i'd go your house often...and now...i have to break that promise. did you know that your sister threatens me too? did you know the trouble i had to go through to help that sister of yours? even to the point i got scolded terribly from my mum and sisters? to the point that i almost met with an accident just to transfer money to her? to the point that i asked help from peeps who know what to do?? you ask me not to disturb your family ever again, which is what i'm doing now...but do you know how much i want to know what is happening in your family? even your sister asked me to stay away from your family...but is it all my fault?? do you know that i still care??? i'm not complaining or putting blame although i may sound like i am...but all i'm asking is to be appreciated and to be informed of what's happening. i wish i could just get your whole family out of my mind and life..but i cant...i still care...i may hate you so much...but i still care...you may scold me how ever terrible you want...but i still care...you may have hurt me till i'm wounded...but i still care...i still care because Jesus cares...
- upcoming events -
Reason To Gift
that's utar cf's theme for the 'christmas event' which will be held on the 22nd nov...the proposal has been approved by dsa...praise God for that since dsa is known to reject proposals. ^.^ we'll be having mimes, in a dance and in a sketch. there's gifts exchange too as part of the event...very excited for it at first...but somehow...the fire kinda died down...not as enthusiatic as before. but by His grace...i'm going to just do my best for this event and pray that God will touch the hearts of the peeps going...be they christians or non-christians...be it students or lecturers...all i want is for His presence to fill the room that moment...
at the moment...dance and sketch practice hasnt started. will be starting this week i hope. planning has been done though...just the carrying out of the plans. hopefully everyone will be doing their job and not take it as a burden though..but as a joy to serve our Lord.
Youth Prayer Meeting
as i've said in one of my blogs...youth prayer meeting has started...glad to say that there's 2 of us at the moment who are committed...it is our prayer that by the end of this year...the whole 13 youths of mefc will be joining youth prayer meeting as well..not as something that they are force to do...or a weekly routine...but they'll come with joy in their heart...with the desire to pray for others, for each other and even for themselves.
for this...i definitely can say that youth prayer meeting is in tune with what the Lord wants as they adults are being encouraged with our presence there...they are also supporting us in the sense that they encourage the other youths to join us...it is my personal prayer that youth prayer meeting of mefc will not fade away as long as He is there in mefc...
Youth BBQ Night
that's what we will be doing for our friends...we'll have a barbeque with some activities too to make the friends of the youth to be comfortable with us. the date is still pending at the moment...due to the school holidays...some might be away...and they not sure when they'll be around. but the most important thing is...that the youths will learn a thing or two out of this event as that is the main reason why we are having it...for them to learn to be involve in the planning...
Ending? or Beginning?
that's the theme for the church last day of sunday school...i'm kind of in charge of it...it's been quite a while though since i last got myself involve in sunday school...bout a year if i'm not wrong. dont exactly know the reason why i chose that theme as well..just had the idea that...it is the ending of another year...which means a new beginning into the new year...more like the ending of sunday school for the year and a beginning of the holidays...have 2 weeks more to figure out the activities...age gap is kind of my problem as we've 5 year olds to 19 year olds...how to come up with an activity that the younger ones would understand and that it will not bore the older ones??
well...not much update bout myself...just that hmm...was going through one of those moments again last night...what moments i hear you asking?? those moments when i feel super guilty bout something till i want to hurt myself...i just feel bad bout everything...even the good things that is happening in my life...i twist it the other way around to make it bad...i thank my prince for it though...in a way...but ultimately...of course He is the one who saves me...for He is the one that forgives and cleanse me from my sins. He is the One that first loves me...the One who created me, knowing me inside and out...thank You, Jesus... ^.^
that's utar cf's theme for the 'christmas event' which will be held on the 22nd nov...the proposal has been approved by dsa...praise God for that since dsa is known to reject proposals. ^.^ we'll be having mimes, in a dance and in a sketch. there's gifts exchange too as part of the event...very excited for it at first...but somehow...the fire kinda died down...not as enthusiatic as before. but by His grace...i'm going to just do my best for this event and pray that God will touch the hearts of the peeps going...be they christians or non-christians...be it students or lecturers...all i want is for His presence to fill the room that moment...
at the moment...dance and sketch practice hasnt started. will be starting this week i hope. planning has been done though...just the carrying out of the plans. hopefully everyone will be doing their job and not take it as a burden though..but as a joy to serve our Lord.
Youth Prayer Meeting
as i've said in one of my blogs...youth prayer meeting has started...glad to say that there's 2 of us at the moment who are committed...it is our prayer that by the end of this year...the whole 13 youths of mefc will be joining youth prayer meeting as well..not as something that they are force to do...or a weekly routine...but they'll come with joy in their heart...with the desire to pray for others, for each other and even for themselves.
for this...i definitely can say that youth prayer meeting is in tune with what the Lord wants as they adults are being encouraged with our presence there...they are also supporting us in the sense that they encourage the other youths to join us...it is my personal prayer that youth prayer meeting of mefc will not fade away as long as He is there in mefc...
Youth BBQ Night
that's what we will be doing for our friends...we'll have a barbeque with some activities too to make the friends of the youth to be comfortable with us. the date is still pending at the moment...due to the school holidays...some might be away...and they not sure when they'll be around. but the most important thing is...that the youths will learn a thing or two out of this event as that is the main reason why we are having it...for them to learn to be involve in the planning...
Ending? or Beginning?
that's the theme for the church last day of sunday school...i'm kind of in charge of it...it's been quite a while though since i last got myself involve in sunday school...bout a year if i'm not wrong. dont exactly know the reason why i chose that theme as well..just had the idea that...it is the ending of another year...which means a new beginning into the new year...more like the ending of sunday school for the year and a beginning of the holidays...have 2 weeks more to figure out the activities...age gap is kind of my problem as we've 5 year olds to 19 year olds...how to come up with an activity that the younger ones would understand and that it will not bore the older ones??
well...not much update bout myself...just that hmm...was going through one of those moments again last night...what moments i hear you asking?? those moments when i feel super guilty bout something till i want to hurt myself...i just feel bad bout everything...even the good things that is happening in my life...i twist it the other way around to make it bad...i thank my prince for it though...in a way...but ultimately...of course He is the one who saves me...for He is the one that forgives and cleanse me from my sins. He is the One that first loves me...the One who created me, knowing me inside and out...thank You, Jesus... ^.^
- 2sleepless night + 1letter to the person i HATE -
sigh...next time...NO MORE DOUBLE DOSES of caffeine in a day...it is so shocking that i once was able to drink coffee and tea like 2-3 times in a day and i still can sleep...but lately...a double dose of any of those drinks...will end into sleepless nights..not just sleepless NIGHT...but sleepless NIGHTS..and not forgetting the horrible dreams that i have during these sleepless nights.
last night..a scary nightmare...i dreamt that my aunt who's living with my grandma passed away...just yesterday, i went to my grandma's house to visit my aunt as she wasnt well. and that same night...i dreamt bout her living this world...how scary can that be?? not that only...another 17 more days (or 6days according to chinese calendar) is my grandpa's 1 year anniversary to his death. to make it worst, on the way back from breakfast with a friend earlier, we passed by a funeral...and i knew some of those peeps trailing behind the van that carries the coffin...can someone please tell me what is my dream about? or am i just being paranoid bout things?
and gee...i so hate that person right now...i know i shouldnt...but that's just how i feel...i'm not going to hide the fact that i HATE him...because i know too in my heart that it will take time to heal that wound...and Jesus will be the medicine for that wound. that person is such a jerk...that something important to talk is to scold me for not telling him something that i promised his mum and sis that i will not tell him. excuse me...i've been wanting to tell you because i know you are the person who should be helping your sister...but what can i do?? i promised them...and i dont intend to break my promise unless it's a matter of life and death...the sad part is...i knew bout it when death of an innocent creature has already happened. you said your heart hurts..what bout mine?? you know how difficult it is to keep this away from you for so long?? of course you dont...you ARE SO UNREASONABLE...and I HATE YOU!!!
for now...the only 2 person, my family and 3 things that is keeping me to cool down and not do anything silly to you is
1. God
2. my prince
3. my family (especially my mum)
4. His love for me and my prince
5. our love for Him and for each other
6. my parents love and care for me...
without these peeps and these things...i'd still be that monster you made me become and to be that girl i never wanted to be....thanks to you...my life was destroyed...but thanks to them...i've been reborn....thank You, Father!!
you said you swear to God that you'll never forgive me for what i did to you...but for all i care...it's up to Him to deal with you...i just want to get you out of my life...to vanish you from my life and thoughts...so...goodbye!!!
last night..a scary nightmare...i dreamt that my aunt who's living with my grandma passed away...just yesterday, i went to my grandma's house to visit my aunt as she wasnt well. and that same night...i dreamt bout her living this world...how scary can that be?? not that only...another 17 more days (or 6days according to chinese calendar) is my grandpa's 1 year anniversary to his death. to make it worst, on the way back from breakfast with a friend earlier, we passed by a funeral...and i knew some of those peeps trailing behind the van that carries the coffin...can someone please tell me what is my dream about? or am i just being paranoid bout things?
and gee...i so hate that person right now...i know i shouldnt...but that's just how i feel...i'm not going to hide the fact that i HATE him...because i know too in my heart that it will take time to heal that wound...and Jesus will be the medicine for that wound. that person is such a jerk...that something important to talk is to scold me for not telling him something that i promised his mum and sis that i will not tell him. excuse me...i've been wanting to tell you because i know you are the person who should be helping your sister...but what can i do?? i promised them...and i dont intend to break my promise unless it's a matter of life and death...the sad part is...i knew bout it when death of an innocent creature has already happened. you said your heart hurts..what bout mine?? you know how difficult it is to keep this away from you for so long?? of course you dont...you ARE SO UNREASONABLE...and I HATE YOU!!!
for now...the only 2 person, my family and 3 things that is keeping me to cool down and not do anything silly to you is
1. God
2. my prince
3. my family (especially my mum)
4. His love for me and my prince
5. our love for Him and for each other
6. my parents love and care for me...
without these peeps and these things...i'd still be that monster you made me become and to be that girl i never wanted to be....thanks to you...my life was destroyed...but thanks to them...i've been reborn....thank You, Father!!
you said you swear to God that you'll never forgive me for what i did to you...but for all i care...it's up to Him to deal with you...i just want to get you out of my life...to vanish you from my life and thoughts...so...goodbye!!!
- dont make me HATE you -
please...i dont need a reason for me to hate Him because of you...isnt it enough for you to keep disturbing me? ive already told you...i dont want to have anything got to do with you...you have made me hate you and made me hate myself..isnt that enough?? calling my house phone in the middle of the night...what were you thinking?? are you out of your mind?? dont try to be pitiful with me because you wont get any...my heart is SO cold towards you now...i dont know when and how i'll be able to forgive you and myself for what happened in the past...i may say that it's ok already and that i dont feel it anymore...but i still feel dirty as ever each time you call me, each time you message me, each time thoughts of you appear in my mind...i SO HATE you...you make me lose focus, you made me dirty, you made me be the person i never wanted to be...the person i hate to be...you made me into a monster..a monster that is still beneath this girl. the past that we left...has left a scar in my heart and my life. you made me be involved so much with your family that it hurts...giving me more trouble of my own, thanks to your sister...making me not want to help others anymore...why does it still hurts?? why?? why cant i just let it go?? i thought i had...i thought i am strong again...but how wrong i was...i'm still weak as ever...you did keep your promise that i'd be the first person to know when you accepted Christ...in fact...you accepted Him in front of me...but did you do it because of me?? or is it really because of Him? you make me doubt your sincerity...you make me hate you for doing that..i just wish i could make you vanish from my life, my thoughts, my heart...i just want to live my own life...without you in it...not for now...not when my heart still hurts...please...just let me go....
- i'm NOT a loan shark -
i'm NOT a loan shark!!! please take note to those peeps out there who thinks i print money as a living...i DONT print money...i'm just a girl using her parent's money as well...so...STOP borrowing money from me when you DONT intend to pay me back...DONT think we've been friends for so long, or because you know i AM soft-hearted, ALWAYS willing to give till i get into trouble, or even think that i'm a social worker...I AM NOT:
1. a MONEY LENDER
2. a SOCIAL WORKER
3. the PERSON who's to be BLAME for your own troubles
i'm just a person like you peeps..with feelings, with a life to go through, with parents who are suffering to support me, with my own problems...i DONT need you peeps to be that extra burden that will CRUSH me down in my spirit, making me LOSE FAITH!!! i'm NOT PERFECT either...DONT ever think that i'm your god who will provide you peeps everything from solutions to your problems, food, money, place to stay, etc....
i may be kind, i may be nice, i may give all that i have, all that i want...but it's all by His love and grace that i'm able to do it...know that peeps...i'm just His child learning to be in tune with Him...
1. a MONEY LENDER
2. a SOCIAL WORKER
3. the PERSON who's to be BLAME for your own troubles
i'm just a person like you peeps..with feelings, with a life to go through, with parents who are suffering to support me, with my own problems...i DONT need you peeps to be that extra burden that will CRUSH me down in my spirit, making me LOSE FAITH!!! i'm NOT PERFECT either...DONT ever think that i'm your god who will provide you peeps everything from solutions to your problems, food, money, place to stay, etc....
i may be kind, i may be nice, i may give all that i have, all that i want...but it's all by His love and grace that i'm able to do it...know that peeps...i'm just His child learning to be in tune with Him...
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