- lost -

LOST... that's exactly how i feel at the moment...not knowing where i'm heading, what i'm doing, where is all this bringing me to...it seems to be going back to square one...the past that i thought i will never meddle in again has reappeared...anger rising inside of me, yet trying to control it...the guilt inside that depresses me...the decisions to make that will affect me and other party for a lifetime...what's real and what's fake? that question all over again.

just like keen keen and i were chatting earlier...we are expected so much of who we are not...we want to be that person whom we are...but that person whom we are now, is not exactly who we are...there's always a constant struggle going inside of us...i like what those cartoons show, bout when there's an angel on one side of your shoulder asking you to do the good things, and on the side of the shoulders is the devil telling you it's ok to break the rules...that's what life is for me now...a side that says to do this..and another side that says to do the opposite...who will win? the good? the bad? how do you define good and bad? who defines good and bad? God? of course it's Him..but not to the world...the world's standard is way opposite from His standards....whom do i choose to follow? i'd definitely want to follow Him..but am i??

here's an answer for keen keen bout what we were chatting...bout being psycho or not...the same bout being ordinary or extraordinary....and even being natural or supernatural...the point is...from whose view do we define those words? in the world, going all out for Him may seem a psychotic thing to do...but in His kingdom, it's not a psychotic thing...the same bout being ordinary or extraordinary...or another word for it...normal or abnormal...being joyful all the time, being so 'holy', may not be normal in this world...but in His kingdom, that's what He wants us to be...what bout natural and supernatural...gaining strength from God may seem weird and supernatural to the world...but in His kingdom, it's not...it's only natural for us, His children, to constantly asking for strength from our Father in Heaven...so...how can one define those words?? those words in the dictionary are being defined by people in this world...they have the world point of view, what the peeps want...but not what He wants...it may sound complicated..but it's actually simple...

to be like Jesus is what we should strive...but if it is done without love...it's pointless...so does everything...the core of everything that we do should be because of love...after all..because of His love for us, He sent Jesus to die, didn't He? it's all because of love...and we can never fully understand His love from our human mind...it's something that we ourselves have to personally experience this love we call...AGAPE LOVE...

and why do i still feel lost?? everything that has been happening lately is making me more lost than ever...not wondering...but LOST...i just wish i could disappear from this world...or perhaps...to be with Him right now...not having any worries, no feeling of being lost..no hurting peeps heart...not getting myself hurt...yet...i know deep beneath my heart...that i still have Jesus who puts the joy in me in spite of what's going on...weird right?? in a way?? i guess that's what every brothers and sisters in Christ of mine goes through, am i right??
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for the next paragraph..it's for the person i hate yet still love...

you were the one who brought me to your family, making us have that special bond...a bond that i cherish even after all that has happened. you did make me happy, but you also made me very sad. you made me smile and laugh, but you also made my heart cry and wounded. i used to love being hugged by you, but now...i feel uncomfortable when other peeps touch me because of the way you used to touched me. you said your heart hurts because i didnt tell you earlier of what happened to your sister...but did you know how hurt i was when your sister told me what happened? did you know how many nights i cried for her? you said your heart hurts when your mum is sad...but did you know what i had to go through to talk to your mum bout the thing that disappoints her? you made me promise to your little sister that i'd go your house often...and now...i have to break that promise. did you know that your sister threatens me too? did you know the trouble i had to go through to help that sister of yours? even to the point i got scolded terribly from my mum and sisters? to the point that i almost met with an accident just to transfer money to her? to the point that i asked help from peeps who know what to do?? you ask me not to disturb your family ever again, which is what i'm doing now...but do you know how much i want to know what is happening in your family? even your sister asked me to stay away from your family...but is it all my fault?? do you know that i still care??? i'm not complaining or putting blame although i may sound like i am...but all i'm asking is to be appreciated and to be informed of what's happening. i wish i could just get your whole family out of my mind and life..but i cant...i still care...i may hate you so much...but i still care...you may scold me how ever terrible you want...but i still care...you may have hurt me till i'm wounded...but i still care...i still care because Jesus cares...