DEATH

it's been almost 10 years since my maternal grandmother left...it's been almost 2 years since my cousin left...and it's been almost 1 year since my paternal grandfather left...and this year...the church caretaker left...

when i was in standard 4, my grandmother left. if i remember correctly...on the 23rd april...i went to school as usual...just when i arrived in school with my cousin, les, we met up with the other cousin of ours, cher...and they broke the news to me...i was stunned...speechless...just couldnt move...but i still had to go through the day...it was a weird day for me. before the dismissed bell rang, my mum and their mums came to collect us from school and headed to my grandmother's house where the coffin was. i was not allowed to see her body then. they had night services for a few days...and i remember..on the night before she was buried, i had an asthma attack, which made me rest inside her room. the next morning, i remember seeing tears from my mum's eyes...and somehow..it made me cry terribly..i was yelling too...and my dad had to control me. even on the bus to the cemetery, a distant cousin came to sat beside me to comfort me. my tears was still flowing then. when they buried her, i was numb.
at that time, i didnt really know what death was...but i was assured and still am that i will see her again in heaven as she accepted Christ before she left. ever since then, memories of her are always in my heart. i believe she is watching over us up in heaven, having a great time worshipping Him.

my cousin's leaving was due to an illness she had since she was young. had a growth or some sort in her brain. it is a miracle that she was able to survive till she was 20. her leaving was hard. i was never close to this cousin...we only saw each other during each chinese new year and that's it. she never did accepted Christ..and that was one thing i find it hard to accept. but that fact did not impacted me that badly. still...i was sad to lose a cousin to hell.

20th nov 2005...the day my grandfather left....the day of my parents anniversary...a day before my chemistry paper in stpm. it's still all clear to me. waking up that sunday morning with a bad feeling, i heard my mum telling my dad to call his mother as she sounded very anxious when she called the night before. she said my grandfather had difficulty in breathing. since my dad just came back from work, he was very tired which ended up with my mum nagging at him to go see my grandfather. i dressed up as fast as possible, hoping to follow my dad see my grandfather...but thanks to my mum...she did not allow me to go. in church during service, i was studying in the kids room. my sister came to sit beside me, wrote something on the buletin paper and let me read it. it said, ' ah gong passed away'...when i read that..i could still ask her...'you joking, right? she shaked her head...and i started crying...at that time, service just ended..i rushed to my mum and cried in her arms...i cried terribly till i was brought to the office to calm me down...it took quite some time to calm me down...my sisters and mum had tears in their eyes too..but i was wailing away somehow..with a regret in my heart. soon after that, we went to my grandmother's house. my grandfather's body was still there closed with a cloth. my dad's eyes was red..could see that he has been crying too...and for all my life...i have never seen my dad cry. it was the first time i saw his cry. tears still came out from my eyes frequently. just when i stop..it starts again. looking at his body...i could only stare at it and regret. during the funeral, my grandmother may look okay...but i know she missed him a lot. when she walked to the coffin there, she would keep asking my grandfather to wake up and come back to her side. my aunties will have to take her away from there. and the funeral went on while i was having my stpm. i even came out early from that chemistry test. i couldnt stay in the exam hall, with the mind blank, staring at the paper....still, with a regret inside my heart. he never did accepted Christ.

this year, just before i left for utar...the church caretaker left. uncle antony is his name. thank God he has accepted Christ way before he left. his leaving was a shock to me some how...he has been someone dear to me. always taking care of me, buying for me sweets back in kindergarten, always remind me not to drink cold drinks as i'm always coughing, keeps the best food for me during love feast..it was such a joy to have him in church. and now...he has left too.

death...what does it mean? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are gone? how does one accept the fact that their loved ones are in hell?? how can one move on with that fact?? yes, it may lighten up the fire in them to spread the gospel more to their loved ones who are not saved...but what about those fire not being lightened up? is there a person to be blamed for it? how does one move on in life?? especially with the fact that their loved ones are in hell??