the month of december sucks to the max. it's suppose to the be a month of celebration, a month of reflection, a month of joy and happiness, but how wrong i was. it's the worst december that i ever had.
december is a total mess of plans, ideas, feelings and thoughts. disappointment, discouragement, sadness, endless sleepless nights, the tired mind, all negative.
yeah...trying to be positive...trying to cheer up...trying to have a different point of view bout things that is happening...did cheer up, was positive, did have a different perspective of things...but what for? just to stand up and fall hard on the bum again?
yeah..i do want an exciting life...a journey with Him that is so exciting and challenging...but where is He? where is He in my heart? why dont i feel Him? so what if i know the facts bout Him being there for me and bla bla bla when i dont feel Him? is my faith still there? do i still trust Him completely?
events this month are all a total blow at my face. someone said i was growing up...but am i? i dont get it. i'm tired...yeah...i'm always saying i'm tired but i still fight with it....but how long am i going to stay strong and fight?
i have already broken my promise to everyone in cf camp, to the person i love, to many peeps...that is just once after so long...but what next? thoughts of something worst comes to my mind often...so often that i'm afraid it will turn to actions. afraid it might come true...then what? by that time, what else is there to say?
can i end it?? can i put a pause to it? dare i think of what might happen after i decide to either put an end or pause to it? dare i lose that something and someone special?
can someone please tell me what to do and think for now? my whole life is in a mess at the moment. dont know what to do, dont know what to think.
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